Thanks for writing this, Alex. I have zero advice, but I will say I understand this in my own way. I have been in this place, but it was after profound betrayal. It took me a long time to understand why I would ever want to let anyone else in. Eventually the right person entered my realm, and I slowly cracked open a bit. And I am so so glad I did. May it be so for you, too 🤍
Thank you for sharing this. It helps more than you know. Hearing that you found your way back to opening again gives me a kind of quiet hope. I appreciate you being here with your story.
You said “learning the fierce vulnerability with myself,” and that line resonates so strongly. I keep finding that the hardest part is meeting myself there without flinching. Your words remind me that it is possible. 🩵
Oh Alex, I feel your hesitation and my own from over the years. When you ended with "Writing this piece was its own practice in letting people in. Showing you the whole thing, not just the curated parts.", I had been thinking that exact thing throughout. Maybe all the past guarding rooms was just learning how not too, or maybe your heart had its reasons. Either way, I believe your heart will guide you, just keep listening. Thank you for such honesty and insight. 💙
I hear you about trusting the heart. Lately I keep asking myself if part of that trust is learning to notice the quiet signals before they turn into alarms. I have missed a few of those in my life. Maybe listening starts earlier than I realized.
You think you got issues! Try being a 69 year old newly divorced disabled lesbian. We can't solve your stuff and you can't solve ours. Keep moving forward
I hear you that we can’t solve each other’s lives. I keep wondering though if witnessing each other changes things in smaller ways. Even if it doesn’t fix anything, it shifts the air a bit.
This sounds very, very scary. I'm going to be honest and ask the question: can a person really do what you're proposing? My first reaction sounds flippant....I wish you good luck and let me know how it works out. But I'm not being flippant. I don't know anyone who can do that. You'd be the first. Come back and teach us, Dr. A.
I laughed at the “good luck and let me know how it works out.” Honestly, I plan to. If I spectacularly fall on my face, I promise to document it in vivid detail. Might as well make it useful. 😂
*smile* I was going to start, I hope I don't sound overly pessimistic or like an Anti-Disney movie so I appreciate your response Ilona.
Alexander - Having said this, it does not mean what you're hitting on isn't worth continuing to explore. Obviously, it is even if fully turns out to mean more fully than ever before. I'd have to go on tangents about containment, parental models and mirror neurons to do what I'm thinking more justice.
All to say, I'm very much looking forward to hearing more about the "being known by another" journey you're on. Pretty exciting truth be told :)
"I learned to be okay alone." This whole article is incredibly powerful, you witnessing your pattern in the midst of it like you've never done before. But that quote really got me.
It made me think of one of my favorite quotes from Frederick Buechner: "You can survive on your own; you can grow strong on your own; you can prevail on your own; but you cannot become human on your own."
I love the Buechner quote you shared. It makes me wonder what “becoming human” has meant for you in your own life. Was there a moment when you realized you couldn’t do it in isolation anymore?
Yes, it was when I read another quote by Richard Rohr: “The opposite of control is not letting go, it's participation.”
At that moment, I knew my wife had been right all along: I was retreating into “openhearted” independence in order to spiritually bypass the much more vulnerable work of being openhearted in relationship.
I feel that is where I have found more of my humanity.
It took me a long time to be willing to show up unready. I used to treat readiness like armor. Now I’m learning it might just be another way of hiding. Your comment reminded me of the first time I tried doing something important before I felt prepared. It was messy, but it was honest. And it made all the difference.
Oh, Alex. This is SO strong, so vulnerable, so real. And I sort of want to say, saying YES from your integrated-yet-still-evolving new self is a courageous and life-enhancing decision. AND there are places in you, in me, in all of us, which also need fierce protection. I'm so glad you are opening that door!
I appreciate what you named about courage. I notice though that courage sometimes looks like pausing. Not as retreat. More like gathering myself so I am not opening the door out of fear of missing something. I am learning both movements.
What a deep text and at the same time it feels so personal. Over the years I have become a more closed person, so I can understand these feelings and emotions of yours. To this day I find it difficult to let anyone into my life - I admit that there were moments when I had to choose between the pain of loneliness and the fear of being vulnerable in front of someone. Over time I realized that whichever path I took, I would not be happy, because I did not even have a healthy relationship with myself.
Now I can say that I have found the balance. I have a person by my side - yes, at times I still use old patterns, but I am trying to remove them. And I forgive myself, no matter how hard it is, for my wrong choices and fears.
Thank you for taking the time to write something so thoughtful and honest. I could feel the years inside your words, the fear, the choices, the forgiveness. It is rare to have someone show the full arc of their experience without dressing it up or turning it into advice. I am grateful to read about a life that has moved from guardedness to connection in such a real way. It helps me breathe a little easier about where I am in my own process.
Alex, thank you so very much for sharing this. I rooting for you!!! I shared your link with my love, as you two have much in common. Also, I'm definitely joining your paid tier. Looking forward to connecting deeper in 2026!
I smiled at “I’m rooting for you.” That kind of steady hope means more than you know. You are welcome to my paid tier whenever you would like to join! 🩵
Wow. This essay is so raw and honest. Your writing is to the heart, and I feel your words. I totally understand what you are saying. I was married for a long time, and sharing everything with him got me hurt eventually. I have since had problems with trusting others. But like you say, it's not because of fear of getting hurt again, though that's a factor. It's the fear of sharing my entire self. It's really difficult to do.
These words reveal so much to me: "I’d share real, vulnerable things. But I was curating what I showed. Choosing which parts were safe to reveal." I have had 40-year-old friendships die -- no arguing or anything dramatic. They just fizzled away. And some of the relationships died because I was dishonest to the other party and, to an extent, even myself.
I am hoping that your choosing to let someone in will be a positive experience. Sending you hugs.
Thank you for sharing so much of your story here, Beth. I could feel the years inside your words. The hurt, the hesitation, the honesty you have had to earn the hard way. It means a lot that you trusted me with it. What you wrote about the fear of sharing your entire self hit very close to home. I am still learning how to let someone see the parts I used to shield without even noticing I was doing it. Your message makes me feel a little less alone in that work.
I love this so much, Alex!!! Thank you for sharing your whole self. It seems like you’re ready to let them in. Let them witness your whole self. What a journey.
You wrote “let them witness your whole self,” and I felt a little flutter in my chest. That idea still scares me, but it scares me in a way that signals growth, not danger. Thank you for naming it so kindly.
Wow your self-realization and awareness just has blown me away.
Reading this piece, I really related to this compartmentalization of myself. This curated version of myself I want to show others. I think I've only let that idea shatter in the past month.
With my husband of 10 years, I think I'm just finally dropping all the masks, ya know? I would never have thought I was hiding pieces of me, but your piece made me realize that I have been, and I've been slowly peeling off the masks for months.
Truly an incredible piece speaking to our shared humanity.
Thank you for reading, my friend. 🩵 You wrote that you have been slowly peeling off the masks for months. I have been thinking about that for a while. The slow work we do is often the real work.
I wonder... what has surprised you most about dropping those older versions of yourself?
I appreciate the pep talk. Part of me feels like I need someone on the sidelines with a tiny flag cheering me on every time I try to let someone in. Maybe that is exactly what you just did. Thank you for that, my friend. 🩵
First, Alex, I absolutely LOVE the photos you share with your posts every week, and I am always curious as to who takes them. Is it this new special someone in your life? :)
Also, you have no idea how this hit straight to what I've been going through this past week: "What am I doing that makes even close connections feel like they’re built on something unstable?" Thank you for putting that out there.
I will say that I don't tend to give people glimpses into only certain aspects of my life once they become a trusted friend. I try my best to be transparent in all ways--both good and bad--and to show up as I am, no matter who I'm with. But it's hard. It hurts to take that risk.
And also--it's worth it once in a while. I'm glad you are leading the way with your lovely story here, and I wish you the best as you open the door to your heart again in this new relationship.
Your line about it being “hard and it hurts to take that risk” struck something honest in me. I felt that. The way risk has its own kind of tenderness, and how showing up as we are can feel like leaving the door cracked during a storm. I have spent so much of my life pretending that being known is something I can think my way through. But you reminded me that it is an embodied risk, not an intellectual one.
Reading your words made me notice that maybe the hurt is not a sign I am doing something wrong, but a sign I am finally doing something real.
And since you asked about the photos. Yes. The person behind the camera is the same person who has been knocking at the metaphorical door. I joked recently that they deserve an award for photographing me while I am trying to look natural and failing spectacularly. Somehow they still want to keep doing it.
That’s wonderful, Alex. In my experience, intellectualizing is a way I’ve tried to protect my tender heart from being hurt. I think it’s been a way of armoring myself for what seems inevitable—that the other person will walk away, often abruptly and without explanation.
So I think you’re right that the hurt means that we are becoming real, like the Velveteen Rabbit, right? Love is real and love often hurts when it is fully open to give and receive.
Thanks for writing this, Alex. I have zero advice, but I will say I understand this in my own way. I have been in this place, but it was after profound betrayal. It took me a long time to understand why I would ever want to let anyone else in. Eventually the right person entered my realm, and I slowly cracked open a bit. And I am so so glad I did. May it be so for you, too 🤍
Thank you for sharing this. It helps more than you know. Hearing that you found your way back to opening again gives me a kind of quiet hope. I appreciate you being here with your story.
🫶🏼
Right here with you. Learning the open heart with discernment. Learning the fierce vulnerability with myself. Learning to trust. Learning to grieve
You said “learning the fierce vulnerability with myself,” and that line resonates so strongly. I keep finding that the hardest part is meeting myself there without flinching. Your words remind me that it is possible. 🩵
Grateful for you, your journey and your wisdom. We are here learning this together.
Oh Alex, I feel your hesitation and my own from over the years. When you ended with "Writing this piece was its own practice in letting people in. Showing you the whole thing, not just the curated parts.", I had been thinking that exact thing throughout. Maybe all the past guarding rooms was just learning how not too, or maybe your heart had its reasons. Either way, I believe your heart will guide you, just keep listening. Thank you for such honesty and insight. 💙
I hear you about trusting the heart. Lately I keep asking myself if part of that trust is learning to notice the quiet signals before they turn into alarms. I have missed a few of those in my life. Maybe listening starts earlier than I realized.
You think you got issues! Try being a 69 year old newly divorced disabled lesbian. We can't solve your stuff and you can't solve ours. Keep moving forward
I hear you that we can’t solve each other’s lives. I keep wondering though if witnessing each other changes things in smaller ways. Even if it doesn’t fix anything, it shifts the air a bit.
I don't think it's about solving anything for another but being together through it and being witnessed in our humanness and the messiness of it all
This sounds very, very scary. I'm going to be honest and ask the question: can a person really do what you're proposing? My first reaction sounds flippant....I wish you good luck and let me know how it works out. But I'm not being flippant. I don't know anyone who can do that. You'd be the first. Come back and teach us, Dr. A.
I laughed at the “good luck and let me know how it works out.” Honestly, I plan to. If I spectacularly fall on my face, I promise to document it in vivid detail. Might as well make it useful. 😂
Here cheering you on!
*smile* I was going to start, I hope I don't sound overly pessimistic or like an Anti-Disney movie so I appreciate your response Ilona.
Alexander - Having said this, it does not mean what you're hitting on isn't worth continuing to explore. Obviously, it is even if fully turns out to mean more fully than ever before. I'd have to go on tangents about containment, parental models and mirror neurons to do what I'm thinking more justice.
All to say, I'm very much looking forward to hearing more about the "being known by another" journey you're on. Pretty exciting truth be told :)
The Anti Disney line cracked me up. I promise I’m not expecting birds to braid my hair or anything. I don't have enough to braid. 😂
Mostly I’m just trying to figure out how to let someone stand close without my whole nervous system filing a complaint.
Oh don’t worry Alexander! I get what you are hitting upon. My attachment style is more in the avoidant waters.
"I learned to be okay alone." This whole article is incredibly powerful, you witnessing your pattern in the midst of it like you've never done before. But that quote really got me.
It made me think of one of my favorite quotes from Frederick Buechner: "You can survive on your own; you can grow strong on your own; you can prevail on your own; but you cannot become human on your own."
I love the Buechner quote you shared. It makes me wonder what “becoming human” has meant for you in your own life. Was there a moment when you realized you couldn’t do it in isolation anymore?
Yes, it was when I read another quote by Richard Rohr: “The opposite of control is not letting go, it's participation.”
At that moment, I knew my wife had been right all along: I was retreating into “openhearted” independence in order to spiritually bypass the much more vulnerable work of being openhearted in relationship.
I feel that is where I have found more of my humanity.
One of the reasons I loved your article so much!
"Maybe the decision isn’t whether I’m ready. Maybe it’s whether I’m willing to be unready and still show up whole anyway."
This is really just everything isn't it. Damn.
It took me a long time to be willing to show up unready. I used to treat readiness like armor. Now I’m learning it might just be another way of hiding. Your comment reminded me of the first time I tried doing something important before I felt prepared. It was messy, but it was honest. And it made all the difference.
Oh, Alex. This is SO strong, so vulnerable, so real. And I sort of want to say, saying YES from your integrated-yet-still-evolving new self is a courageous and life-enhancing decision. AND there are places in you, in me, in all of us, which also need fierce protection. I'm so glad you are opening that door!
I appreciate what you named about courage. I notice though that courage sometimes looks like pausing. Not as retreat. More like gathering myself so I am not opening the door out of fear of missing something. I am learning both movements.
What a deep text and at the same time it feels so personal. Over the years I have become a more closed person, so I can understand these feelings and emotions of yours. To this day I find it difficult to let anyone into my life - I admit that there were moments when I had to choose between the pain of loneliness and the fear of being vulnerable in front of someone. Over time I realized that whichever path I took, I would not be happy, because I did not even have a healthy relationship with myself.
Now I can say that I have found the balance. I have a person by my side - yes, at times I still use old patterns, but I am trying to remove them. And I forgive myself, no matter how hard it is, for my wrong choices and fears.
Thank you for taking the time to write something so thoughtful and honest. I could feel the years inside your words, the fear, the choices, the forgiveness. It is rare to have someone show the full arc of their experience without dressing it up or turning it into advice. I am grateful to read about a life that has moved from guardedness to connection in such a real way. It helps me breathe a little easier about where I am in my own process.
Alex, thank you so very much for sharing this. I rooting for you!!! I shared your link with my love, as you two have much in common. Also, I'm definitely joining your paid tier. Looking forward to connecting deeper in 2026!
I smiled at “I’m rooting for you.” That kind of steady hope means more than you know. You are welcome to my paid tier whenever you would like to join! 🩵
Hi Alex,
Wow. This essay is so raw and honest. Your writing is to the heart, and I feel your words. I totally understand what you are saying. I was married for a long time, and sharing everything with him got me hurt eventually. I have since had problems with trusting others. But like you say, it's not because of fear of getting hurt again, though that's a factor. It's the fear of sharing my entire self. It's really difficult to do.
These words reveal so much to me: "I’d share real, vulnerable things. But I was curating what I showed. Choosing which parts were safe to reveal." I have had 40-year-old friendships die -- no arguing or anything dramatic. They just fizzled away. And some of the relationships died because I was dishonest to the other party and, to an extent, even myself.
I am hoping that your choosing to let someone in will be a positive experience. Sending you hugs.
Thank you for sharing so much of your story here, Beth. I could feel the years inside your words. The hurt, the hesitation, the honesty you have had to earn the hard way. It means a lot that you trusted me with it. What you wrote about the fear of sharing your entire self hit very close to home. I am still learning how to let someone see the parts I used to shield without even noticing I was doing it. Your message makes me feel a little less alone in that work.
Alex, it really takes time to let our guards down. You aren’t alone at all; so many people are going through it.
I love this so much, Alex!!! Thank you for sharing your whole self. It seems like you’re ready to let them in. Let them witness your whole self. What a journey.
You wrote “let them witness your whole self,” and I felt a little flutter in my chest. That idea still scares me, but it scares me in a way that signals growth, not danger. Thank you for naming it so kindly.
Wow your self-realization and awareness just has blown me away.
Reading this piece, I really related to this compartmentalization of myself. This curated version of myself I want to show others. I think I've only let that idea shatter in the past month.
With my husband of 10 years, I think I'm just finally dropping all the masks, ya know? I would never have thought I was hiding pieces of me, but your piece made me realize that I have been, and I've been slowly peeling off the masks for months.
Truly an incredible piece speaking to our shared humanity.
Thank you for reading, my friend. 🩵 You wrote that you have been slowly peeling off the masks for months. I have been thinking about that for a while. The slow work we do is often the real work.
I wonder... what has surprised you most about dropping those older versions of yourself?
What's been surprising is how freeing it's been. How easy it's been. Once I accepted help, and accepted myself.
Go for it Alexander. If this someone is willing to walk alongside you, willing to invest, willing to prioritize “us over me”, then go for it.
You already have proven to yourself that you can survive the worst of the break ups and dissolutions, so nothing to be afraid of… truly..
no one can steal you from yourself. And no one can reject all of you (only you can do that).
You have lived thru ultimate betrayal and hurt,. There is not much that is worse.
You can do this.
And there are so many of us who will still love you and care for you.
I appreciate the pep talk. Part of me feels like I need someone on the sidelines with a tiny flag cheering me on every time I try to let someone in. Maybe that is exactly what you just did. Thank you for that, my friend. 🩵
Absolutely. Easy to do❣️
Honest and poignant.
Let them in.
They might need to be discovered in totality too.
I appreciate how simply you said this. Honest and poignant. Let them in. 🩵
First, Alex, I absolutely LOVE the photos you share with your posts every week, and I am always curious as to who takes them. Is it this new special someone in your life? :)
Also, you have no idea how this hit straight to what I've been going through this past week: "What am I doing that makes even close connections feel like they’re built on something unstable?" Thank you for putting that out there.
I will say that I don't tend to give people glimpses into only certain aspects of my life once they become a trusted friend. I try my best to be transparent in all ways--both good and bad--and to show up as I am, no matter who I'm with. But it's hard. It hurts to take that risk.
And also--it's worth it once in a while. I'm glad you are leading the way with your lovely story here, and I wish you the best as you open the door to your heart again in this new relationship.
Your line about it being “hard and it hurts to take that risk” struck something honest in me. I felt that. The way risk has its own kind of tenderness, and how showing up as we are can feel like leaving the door cracked during a storm. I have spent so much of my life pretending that being known is something I can think my way through. But you reminded me that it is an embodied risk, not an intellectual one.
Reading your words made me notice that maybe the hurt is not a sign I am doing something wrong, but a sign I am finally doing something real.
And since you asked about the photos. Yes. The person behind the camera is the same person who has been knocking at the metaphorical door. I joked recently that they deserve an award for photographing me while I am trying to look natural and failing spectacularly. Somehow they still want to keep doing it.
That’s wonderful, Alex. In my experience, intellectualizing is a way I’ve tried to protect my tender heart from being hurt. I think it’s been a way of armoring myself for what seems inevitable—that the other person will walk away, often abruptly and without explanation.
So I think you’re right that the hurt means that we are becoming real, like the Velveteen Rabbit, right? Love is real and love often hurts when it is fully open to give and receive.