Your piece serves as a reminder for me today, and going forward to stay present, to notice automatic responses, and to be compassionate when I can't stop myself from succumbing to the old patterns. It's a lifelong process for me to rewrite the old neural pathways that my brain has created to keep me safe, which no longer serve me.
This piece really resonates with me while I'm navigating the new world of dating. I'm simultaneously caught between this feeling of wanting to show my full self (because I no longer want to hide this) and navigating the fear of the flinch from another human being. I know I am okay on my own, and yet, I am human, and I desire that connection with another person. I am no longer interested in manipulating connection and expression and yet I am afraid of scaring the connection away. I'm not really sure what the answer is other than to hold both of these seemingly conflicting realities as equal truth. I try to put my trust in life that this connection has been bought to me, and if they are "right" (whatever that means) then it won't scare them away. And yet I desire to control, manipulate and need to know. I don't want to let go.
Alex - I rather like how you point out that when we “flinch” it's usually something deeper than our fear of being hurt but more the fear of being changed. Your thoughts leave me wondering how many times I end up redirecting or deflecting in a day without realizing what I am really avoiding. Your point about emotional hunger being mislabeled as weakness especially struck me.
Wow! "I'd been suffocating myself in conversations for years before the accident. The injury just made visible what my nervous system had been doing automatically: protecting itself from the metabolic cost of being fully present with another person."
I wonder if the reason we as a culture are dealing with so much disconnection and discord and divisiveness is simply because people are not breathing while talking!...which ultimately means they aren't listening...and all those moments of doors opening to connection are falling to the flinch and the door slam!
This piece shows one of the greatest benefits of the brain injury, a rewiring of that conversation while breathing mechanism.
I also now see why you and I have connected so easily. Something happens in the space when we are together where we both are able to fully breathe and enjoy space together so much so that time evaporates.
This is why I like to check in with my friends and say, "Hey, I'm thinking of you today." I want each one to know I see them. That I'm here. I'm listening. And my door is open without expectation of when, or how, or if they will reply.
So I'm telling you today: I see you. I'm here with you, friend.
I'm very introverted and have always hid from being seen emotionally. I had no choice but to allow others into my world when my husband died, as I would have drowned without their lifelines. And while I haven't completely resorted to those old ways, I do find it happening more and more over the 15 years since. I think it may also be connected to my "Helper/Nurturer" personality. Thanks for the insights!
Your piece serves as a reminder for me today, and going forward to stay present, to notice automatic responses, and to be compassionate when I can't stop myself from succumbing to the old patterns. It's a lifelong process for me to rewrite the old neural pathways that my brain has created to keep me safe, which no longer serve me.
Dear Alex,
This piece really resonates with me while I'm navigating the new world of dating. I'm simultaneously caught between this feeling of wanting to show my full self (because I no longer want to hide this) and navigating the fear of the flinch from another human being. I know I am okay on my own, and yet, I am human, and I desire that connection with another person. I am no longer interested in manipulating connection and expression and yet I am afraid of scaring the connection away. I'm not really sure what the answer is other than to hold both of these seemingly conflicting realities as equal truth. I try to put my trust in life that this connection has been bought to me, and if they are "right" (whatever that means) then it won't scare them away. And yet I desire to control, manipulate and need to know. I don't want to let go.
Alex - I rather like how you point out that when we “flinch” it's usually something deeper than our fear of being hurt but more the fear of being changed. Your thoughts leave me wondering how many times I end up redirecting or deflecting in a day without realizing what I am really avoiding. Your point about emotional hunger being mislabeled as weakness especially struck me.
Wow! "I'd been suffocating myself in conversations for years before the accident. The injury just made visible what my nervous system had been doing automatically: protecting itself from the metabolic cost of being fully present with another person."
I wonder if the reason we as a culture are dealing with so much disconnection and discord and divisiveness is simply because people are not breathing while talking!...which ultimately means they aren't listening...and all those moments of doors opening to connection are falling to the flinch and the door slam!
This piece shows one of the greatest benefits of the brain injury, a rewiring of that conversation while breathing mechanism.
I also now see why you and I have connected so easily. Something happens in the space when we are together where we both are able to fully breathe and enjoy space together so much so that time evaporates.
Alex,
This is why I like to check in with my friends and say, "Hey, I'm thinking of you today." I want each one to know I see them. That I'm here. I'm listening. And my door is open without expectation of when, or how, or if they will reply.
So I'm telling you today: I see you. I'm here with you, friend.
I'm very introverted and have always hid from being seen emotionally. I had no choice but to allow others into my world when my husband died, as I would have drowned without their lifelines. And while I haven't completely resorted to those old ways, I do find it happening more and more over the 15 years since. I think it may also be connected to my "Helper/Nurturer" personality. Thanks for the insights!
Thank you so much for this piece. It really spoke to my heart!