This is such a fabulous piece, Alexander. The crux for me? "we've confused numbness with wisdom, grinding with purpose, constant preparation with actual living". I can't imagine how poignant and thought-provoking your work would be if you figured out a way to have a Ninja IN the shower. If you patent that, remember me! (skipping back to work...)
HA! I would never leave the shower. The best thinking that could occur with my two favorite things happening simultaneously?!?! AHHHHHHH. Positively delightful.
I think "numbness with wisdom" really stood out for me, and came to me as I was having a conversation with one of my friends that has been going down the zen path of late. He said a few things that, well, made me a bit concerned about his wellbeing. I've been down that path (I preferred the yogic path) and I ended up stumping him with this, because zen isn't the absence of feeling, and it felt like his journey was one of numbness to achieve wisdom.
Love this. I too went down the Zen path and arrived at non-duality. I do hope your friend is open to embracing aliveness at some point when it feels right for them. They are truly fortunate to have you in their corner.
When I made the decision to honor my grief following my middle daughter's death, a few months after she died I felt a moment of joy. My initial reaction was to squelch as being "too soon" and "not appropriate."
Then I heard my dead daughter's voice, "Guess what? I'm so happy!"
This had been her way of greeting people, not, "Hello, how are you," but "Guess what? I'm so happy!"
I realized if I am going to accept and embrace grief, then shouldn't I also accept and embrace moments of joy? Especially, during this period of mourning such a huge loss?
One and 3/4 quarter's of a year later I am still trying to embrace each emotion...not matter what it is that floats through me. None of them have to be permanent, they just need to be acknowledged and given the space they need.
Yes, I still cry occasionally for this huge crater-like hole left in my life with Sheila's passing, but I can dance and sing and be happy, too.
I so, enjoy reading what you have to say and I find it validating, thought provoking and aspirational.
Thank you Nancy, and thank you for sharing. I think that is so beautiful. Yes, if you are going to accept and embrace grief, you should get everything, including those spurts of joy that also come with it. Because all of those emotions are there. We get to feel all the things, not just one thing, and that is so liberating. Keep getting through it, my friend. I'm glad I can join you, even in a small way, on this journey.
Love this thank you for posting! It makes me think about how amazing it is that we still have that instinct in us to make ourselves happy, all we have to do is find the confidence to listen to it.
I also think this is why we feel drawn towards people who are happy to own their mistakes and share their imperfections. Because it allows us to feel we can be our instinctive selves without worrying so much about judgement.
Hi Annie! Thank you for being here and also sharing. I'm also drawn to people that are vulnerable like this. It makes me feel less alone and also more able to be myself. I'm quite imperfect. Haha!
Alexander, I LOVE that you’re remembering to skip. And to paint, and sing, and enjoy your coffee.
These moments make you sparkle even more.
I became self conscious about this exuberance when people started shushing me. Telling me I was too much, or embarrassing themselves. Family members, husbands, friends… gosh it hurts when people do that.
Now, I pretty much only share that aspect of myself when I’m alone or with those I know won’t crush me.
For the painting and the need to research… I highly recommend buying inexpensive water color paints and finding flat stones to create upon. I did this with my kids, and it was such uninhibited fun. It might get the groove going again!
Oh, that is such a great idea. That is an easy, inexpensive, and super fun way to get started. Thank you for the tip. I hope you do get the groove going again. I will too. And let's get rid of that flinch! Or lessen it. We deserve to feel those little spurts of joy again. You need to sparkle too my friend.
I just want you to know that if I ever pass an adult skipping on the sidewalk, I will smile--maybe giggle--wave, and offer a bright "hello!"
Honestly, this is something my kids pull me into. They might be skipping on a busy downtown street and say, "Come on, Mom--do it with us!" And in the past I would have just sloughed it off, shook my head, said no. But now I join them. And I don't care if people see us, because I know there will be that one person in the crowd who feels delighted to witness something a bit odd in a fun way.
When I'm in public and notice that strange thing happening that seems "out of place," I smile. Truly. There's something about letting another person know you get it--that it is good to love this one life and to enter into it with spontaneity, joy, laughter, maybe a little song and dance or a skip.
I truly believe my kids have brought me to this place. And I love that.
Hi Jeannie! I'm so glad. And i'm not surprised that your kids pull you into this. It is something that kids are good at. The flinch hasn't affected them yet! Maybe, by participating with them, you can negate the flinch. I sure hope so. What would the world be like without the flinch?? Certainly more joyful!
I love this essay! Moments of joy keep me present. I can easily be the most worried person in the room. Catastrophizing each problem right off the bat, before I can even consider a solution. I've been practicing my observation skills, and it doesn't take much for me. A flower blooming, a dragonfly, my cat or dog. Those perfect moments happen every day if we are looking for them. I love that you are giving permission for us to express joy and feel happiness no matter what society says about it. Lighten up world! We light up the world with our joy. Love, Virg
Thank you, Virg! Yes, you have absolutely all the permission in the world to be present with all of the moments of joy that are quite numerous around us. Especially when we have animals. They are full of little weird moments of joy and hilarity. And we should get to feel them, laugh, express them, skip with them, and be within them. Why was it ever "adult" of us to suppress that??
What an awesome essay! So many wonderful quotables, but this one really got to me: "We've become skilled morticians of our own moments, embalming our impulses before they can become embarrassingly human."
Yes, don't we kill the joy before joyous acts occur?
I need to sing more, dance more, etc. One joyous act I participate in, as you know, is in creating visual art. It is pure joy, and I feel so energized in a way that nothing else eneergizes and calms me simultaneously when I paint.
You mentioned in this essay that you used to paint. Why not start it now? Don't worry about brushes -- any brush will do the trick.
In the meantime, I have a phone call to make. One that I've put off for a few years -- to a special friend with whom I lost contact. Thank you.
I need to start painting again, my friend. I was never really good at it, but that doesn't matter. I just enjoyed doing it, and I also enjoyed laughing and the ridiculousness that came with it as I painted. It was joyful. Happy. Hilarious.
I hope you were able to make that phone call. We shouldn't put those off. In the grand scheme of things, life is too short.
Awww, thank you Ilona. I so appreciate it! Joy is our birthright! We should be able to feel it. I can't pinpoint when it happens, but I think it happens sometime during our teenagehood as well start to become little adults we are expected to act more "adult." And then in the workplace we have to tamp down on ourselves. We flinch.
Now I'm like... STOPPPPPPPPP. Go with the joy. How different our lives would be. And truly. How different the world would be. Joy is our birthright. 🩵
When my granddaughter was little, I learned joy for what I felt was the first time. (I didn't enjoy my childhood so much.) But she's outgrown play as a newly minted teenager and I've been missing her carefree ways. It's clear I need to discover it for myself. Skip on! 🧡
I love this so much! I've always felt conflicted about being 'too serious' and beat myself up for not being more fun. I am fun, but I grew up feeling overly responsible and parentified. Now, I'm paying attention to when I feel shy about being spontaneous and light hearted and giving myself the grace to sing, dance and skip 😀
First, have you ever done Ecstatic Dance? It's an organization and has events where you basically just dance however your body wants to move. I attended a zoom dance once, pretty fun.
Today I just danced when a song from Florence+the machine came on. I hadn't heard it before and it was made to dance to. So my body just did. It was like my body bypassed my brain because I began to dance without even realizing it. It's easy to dance like no one is watching when you are home alone 😁
I have randomly skipped and it is fun for about 6 steps 🥵
So much of this reminded me of my constant disagreement with my husband about how being stressed doesn't change anything. I'm viewed as the irresponsible one in the relationship because I prioritize joy. That and I'm trying to make a living on Substack so he's not "all" wrong I guess 😂.
Alex, I have a complicated relationship with joy, so this piece was perfect for me. I don't even get to the flinch. But I did find myself laughing today at something I thought or did. So there's still hope for me. You've inspired me to pay more attention to moments when there might be a little crack into joy.
This is such a fabulous piece, Alexander. The crux for me? "we've confused numbness with wisdom, grinding with purpose, constant preparation with actual living". I can't imagine how poignant and thought-provoking your work would be if you figured out a way to have a Ninja IN the shower. If you patent that, remember me! (skipping back to work...)
HA! I would never leave the shower. The best thinking that could occur with my two favorite things happening simultaneously?!?! AHHHHHHH. Positively delightful.
I think "numbness with wisdom" really stood out for me, and came to me as I was having a conversation with one of my friends that has been going down the zen path of late. He said a few things that, well, made me a bit concerned about his wellbeing. I've been down that path (I preferred the yogic path) and I ended up stumping him with this, because zen isn't the absence of feeling, and it felt like his journey was one of numbness to achieve wisdom.
Love this. I too went down the Zen path and arrived at non-duality. I do hope your friend is open to embracing aliveness at some point when it feels right for them. They are truly fortunate to have you in their corner.
p.s. My clients only see me from the neck up anyway so I'll report back on the coffee in the shower thing... I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
When I made the decision to honor my grief following my middle daughter's death, a few months after she died I felt a moment of joy. My initial reaction was to squelch as being "too soon" and "not appropriate."
Then I heard my dead daughter's voice, "Guess what? I'm so happy!"
This had been her way of greeting people, not, "Hello, how are you," but "Guess what? I'm so happy!"
I realized if I am going to accept and embrace grief, then shouldn't I also accept and embrace moments of joy? Especially, during this period of mourning such a huge loss?
One and 3/4 quarter's of a year later I am still trying to embrace each emotion...not matter what it is that floats through me. None of them have to be permanent, they just need to be acknowledged and given the space they need.
Yes, I still cry occasionally for this huge crater-like hole left in my life with Sheila's passing, but I can dance and sing and be happy, too.
I so, enjoy reading what you have to say and I find it validating, thought provoking and aspirational.
Thank you Nancy, and thank you for sharing. I think that is so beautiful. Yes, if you are going to accept and embrace grief, you should get everything, including those spurts of joy that also come with it. Because all of those emotions are there. We get to feel all the things, not just one thing, and that is so liberating. Keep getting through it, my friend. I'm glad I can join you, even in a small way, on this journey.
Love this thank you for posting! It makes me think about how amazing it is that we still have that instinct in us to make ourselves happy, all we have to do is find the confidence to listen to it.
I also think this is why we feel drawn towards people who are happy to own their mistakes and share their imperfections. Because it allows us to feel we can be our instinctive selves without worrying so much about judgement.
Very inspiring!
Hi Annie! Thank you for being here and also sharing. I'm also drawn to people that are vulnerable like this. It makes me feel less alone and also more able to be myself. I'm quite imperfect. Haha!
What you need is innerdance- removes the flinch and lets you feel the joy. I dance and skip anytime I want. What’s the worst that can happen?
What's the worst that can happen, indeed?
Alexander, I LOVE that you’re remembering to skip. And to paint, and sing, and enjoy your coffee.
These moments make you sparkle even more.
I became self conscious about this exuberance when people started shushing me. Telling me I was too much, or embarrassing themselves. Family members, husbands, friends… gosh it hurts when people do that.
Now, I pretty much only share that aspect of myself when I’m alone or with those I know won’t crush me.
For the painting and the need to research… I highly recommend buying inexpensive water color paints and finding flat stones to create upon. I did this with my kids, and it was such uninhibited fun. It might get the groove going again!
Oh, that is such a great idea. That is an easy, inexpensive, and super fun way to get started. Thank you for the tip. I hope you do get the groove going again. I will too. And let's get rid of that flinch! Or lessen it. We deserve to feel those little spurts of joy again. You need to sparkle too my friend.
Alex,
I just want you to know that if I ever pass an adult skipping on the sidewalk, I will smile--maybe giggle--wave, and offer a bright "hello!"
Honestly, this is something my kids pull me into. They might be skipping on a busy downtown street and say, "Come on, Mom--do it with us!" And in the past I would have just sloughed it off, shook my head, said no. But now I join them. And I don't care if people see us, because I know there will be that one person in the crowd who feels delighted to witness something a bit odd in a fun way.
When I'm in public and notice that strange thing happening that seems "out of place," I smile. Truly. There's something about letting another person know you get it--that it is good to love this one life and to enter into it with spontaneity, joy, laughter, maybe a little song and dance or a skip.
I truly believe my kids have brought me to this place. And I love that.
Hi Jeannie! I'm so glad. And i'm not surprised that your kids pull you into this. It is something that kids are good at. The flinch hasn't affected them yet! Maybe, by participating with them, you can negate the flinch. I sure hope so. What would the world be like without the flinch?? Certainly more joyful!
Honestly, Alex, I think because they don’t care, then neither do I!
Thank you. Very thought-provoking. I can't imagine doing anything spontaneous just for the joy of it. And I love the last line.
Thank you, Susie, for being here. Spontaneous things can often bring joy. Let's both do something today that is spontaneous!
You have yet to write a piece I do not resonate with. ❤️❤️
Aww, that really makes my heart smile. Thank you for sharing that with me.
I love this essay! Moments of joy keep me present. I can easily be the most worried person in the room. Catastrophizing each problem right off the bat, before I can even consider a solution. I've been practicing my observation skills, and it doesn't take much for me. A flower blooming, a dragonfly, my cat or dog. Those perfect moments happen every day if we are looking for them. I love that you are giving permission for us to express joy and feel happiness no matter what society says about it. Lighten up world! We light up the world with our joy. Love, Virg
Thank you, Virg! Yes, you have absolutely all the permission in the world to be present with all of the moments of joy that are quite numerous around us. Especially when we have animals. They are full of little weird moments of joy and hilarity. And we should get to feel them, laugh, express them, skip with them, and be within them. Why was it ever "adult" of us to suppress that??
Hi Alex,
What an awesome essay! So many wonderful quotables, but this one really got to me: "We've become skilled morticians of our own moments, embalming our impulses before they can become embarrassingly human."
Yes, don't we kill the joy before joyous acts occur?
I need to sing more, dance more, etc. One joyous act I participate in, as you know, is in creating visual art. It is pure joy, and I feel so energized in a way that nothing else eneergizes and calms me simultaneously when I paint.
You mentioned in this essay that you used to paint. Why not start it now? Don't worry about brushes -- any brush will do the trick.
In the meantime, I have a phone call to make. One that I've put off for a few years -- to a special friend with whom I lost contact. Thank you.
I need to start painting again, my friend. I was never really good at it, but that doesn't matter. I just enjoyed doing it, and I also enjoyed laughing and the ridiculousness that came with it as I painted. It was joyful. Happy. Hilarious.
I hope you were able to make that phone call. We shouldn't put those off. In the grand scheme of things, life is too short.
THIS IS SUCH GOOD STUFF, DR. A!
Thank you for sharing your aversion to feeling joy because it's scary to let go of it. I feel it, too.
What if we stopped flinching when joy beckons and just went with it? How different our lives would be.
My grandchildren are still young enough to fully embrace joy. I hope they never lose this ability, because it's so hard to get it back.
Joy is our birthright.
Awww, thank you Ilona. I so appreciate it! Joy is our birthright! We should be able to feel it. I can't pinpoint when it happens, but I think it happens sometime during our teenagehood as well start to become little adults we are expected to act more "adult." And then in the workplace we have to tamp down on ourselves. We flinch.
Now I'm like... STOPPPPPPPPP. Go with the joy. How different our lives would be. And truly. How different the world would be. Joy is our birthright. 🩵
When my granddaughter was little, I learned joy for what I felt was the first time. (I didn't enjoy my childhood so much.) But she's outgrown play as a newly minted teenager and I've been missing her carefree ways. It's clear I need to discover it for myself. Skip on! 🧡
Yes. Rediscover it (because you had it before - you just have to find it again - trust that it is already there my friend). 🩵
In all seriousness,
fear-full flinch is “off/kill” switch.
Beware aliveness!
Ahhhhh. What a fascinating metaphor. The Kill Switch. That is such a great one. Thank you for giving such rich visual to this. 🩵
Thank Life, aliveness
has power to override
flinching kill switches! 😊
I love this so much! I've always felt conflicted about being 'too serious' and beat myself up for not being more fun. I am fun, but I grew up feeling overly responsible and parentified. Now, I'm paying attention to when I feel shy about being spontaneous and light hearted and giving myself the grace to sing, dance and skip 😀
So much came up for me reading this.
First, have you ever done Ecstatic Dance? It's an organization and has events where you basically just dance however your body wants to move. I attended a zoom dance once, pretty fun.
Today I just danced when a song from Florence+the machine came on. I hadn't heard it before and it was made to dance to. So my body just did. It was like my body bypassed my brain because I began to dance without even realizing it. It's easy to dance like no one is watching when you are home alone 😁
I have randomly skipped and it is fun for about 6 steps 🥵
So much of this reminded me of my constant disagreement with my husband about how being stressed doesn't change anything. I'm viewed as the irresponsible one in the relationship because I prioritize joy. That and I'm trying to make a living on Substack so he's not "all" wrong I guess 😂.
Alex, I have a complicated relationship with joy, so this piece was perfect for me. I don't even get to the flinch. But I did find myself laughing today at something I thought or did. So there's still hope for me. You've inspired me to pay more attention to moments when there might be a little crack into joy.