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SuddenlyJamie's avatar

You capture so beautifully how a few moments of experience can shape an entire lifetime ... and how it's never just one moment one time, but a series of small choices and that persistence and tenacity that eventually carve out the shape of who we are and who we want to be. Your particular experience is one that, thankfully, few people will share, but we can still see ourselves in that moment of choosing - me or them. My way or their way. Hold fast or cave in. It's such an important moment to recognize. As always, thank you for your writing.

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Alexander Lovell, PhD's avatar

Thank you for being here and reading, as always. I’m so grateful for you!

I hope no one has to go through my particular experience. But, as humans, we will face these types of experiences. “me or them. My way or their way. Hold fast or cave in.”

These are the little moments that define us as the people we are. They define our triumphs and our regrets.

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Julie Wise's avatar

Thank you, Alex. Tenacity. That's the word I'm holding onto moving forward. I appreciate you naming that quality and making it real through your story.

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Alexander Lovell, PhD's avatar

Thank you, Julie. As I have been reflecting on these memories more and more, I’ve been realizing that I like tenacity more than I like just resilience.

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Julie Wise's avatar

Yes, me too. I think of resilience as the trunk of a willow bending in a windstorm, not breaking, but rising to see another day. And tenacity as the roots, holding firm, refusing to surrender, digging deeper in support of the whole.

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Jeannie Ewing's avatar

Alex!!

You are opening up more and more. You are sharing your story! I cannot tell you how thrilled I am to be reading more. You have so much to say, so much you have lived. I am so, so, SO HAPPY you decided to use this space to write more. We want that, as your readers and as your friends--we want to catch that glimpse into where you came from and how you got to be the person you are today.

Like I said before, something cracked open in you when we published your piece "A Different Kind of Strength" on my Substack.

Here's what I want to say. First, Jerry's words--"Alex, look at 'em. Think most of these folks chose to stay out here as long as they have? No. They lost their way when life got rough—or maybe they lost the strength to keep being themselves. It's easier to change who you are than to stand firm in who you want to be." How fortunate you were to hear this and internalize it at your age!

Second, don't worry about whether the guy's name was Brando or not. Here's what I want you to understand about writing memoir or essays (narrative non-fiction): You're not going to remember every person's name, or exactly what they said, or whether your shirt was blue or red. There are elements of speculation that are ethical in writing non-fiction. What matters most is the emotional truth of your story. You can't make up a person, of course, or imagine what they said--unless you actually write, "I imagine they told me..." What readers need to know is that you are a trustworthy narrator, that they can believe what you are telling them and that, to your best ability, the story itself and its essence is real. That's what you did here.

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Alexander Lovell, PhD's avatar

Thank you, my friend. I have been enjoying this process! Yes, our collaborative piece did crack something open for me.

What has been interesting is that as I have been writing and processing through these experiences, I’ve been remembering more. And while I have had a few moments of accidental retraumatization, it’s actually been pretty okay, and actually been a welcome, exciting, enjoyable, and interesting experience. It’s like I pulled the thread and the entire garment is unraveling! (In a good way)

Thank you for sharing that second point. That has been weighing on me a bit. The experiences themselves have been almost burned into my memory. I can recall, sometimes with great detail, all sorts of elements. But then other things just aren’t there. So, I’m just trying to be open with what is there in my memory and what isn’t. And hope everyone is okay with that! I figure if someone isn’t, they will unsubscribe. Haha!

What I can tell you is I abhor being called bud. And it is because of “Brando,” or whatever his name is.

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Jeannie Ewing's avatar

Oh yeah, I totally gathered that the liberal use of "bud" was condescending.

And to your point that you are remembering more: yes! This is how we write to heal. I am experiencing the same thing. I'll have these memories pop in my mind, things I'd forgotten for decades. They just come alive.

Keep doing what you're doing. You have an important story to tell. And if you ever need to process how to write narrative nonfiction, please know I'm here to walk you through what I know and what I've learned.

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Virginia Curtis's avatar

I only know you through your writing, and I have to say, this piece hit hard. I think probably because it's true. I also want to say that I'm proud of you, and grateful that you made that tough decision and stuck up for yoursef even though it hurt. I, too, refused substances, and fought my way into a better life. I get it. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. Love, Virg

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Alexander Lovell, PhD's avatar

Thank you, Virginia! I appreciate your comment more than you know. And I appreciate that you shared a part of your story too. I'm glad we both fought through our own hardship to be here. It's why we get to have this meaningful conversation. And I'm grateful for that! 🩵

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Nancy A's avatar

Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us! There is such wisdom and heart in your story. We are always in need of these reminders, now so more than ever! The actions are brief, but the results are forever, and the wisdom and tenacity gained are paramount to us becoming (and remaining) our best selves, despite the temporary costs. Thank you! Well done!! ❤

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Alexander Lovell, PhD's avatar

Thank you, Nancy! I appreciate you reading and this comment so much. These costs are temporary, even if they feel so in the moment like they are forever. I hope this article serves as a reminder to anyone that there is a brighter future through the hardship. Sometimes it does just require us to dig in and face some uncomfortable stuff first.

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Ilona Goanos's avatar

Love your essays where you share your life and lessons, Alex:) Well done, and I am inspired by how you stay true to yourself.

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Alexander Lovell, PhD's avatar

Thank you, Ilona! This is definitely a new experience for me to be so open about these things - I appreciate the support. My life has been a bit of a WILD ride.

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Vince Roman's avatar

Thanks for sharing this with us

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Alexander Lovell, PhD's avatar

Thank you for reading and being here! I really appreciate that! 🩵

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Teri Leigh 💜's avatar

Yet again, the never-been-a-mother in me wanted to scoop up your broken rib kid self and move him into my home. If you keep going like this I will go find some tenacious resilient 🌈 kid on the streets and move him into my home.

It does take a special tenacity to stay true to your integrity. How many times in my life have I walked away from easy success because it didn’t match my heart and soul? How many times have I been green with envy at someone who sold their soul for success.

It is exhausting.

And on the other side of it, now as I am feeling success that is completely grounded in my integrity, there is this energy. This opposite of exhaustion, this perpetual energizer bunny joy. It took 30years and it is totally worth it!

I’m so honored to be walking this ride with you Alex.

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Alexander Lovell, PhD's avatar

I am honored to be walking this path too. Because we both are doing things that matter. Because we walked away from the things that didn’t feel good, and we stayed true. I think tenacity is exhausting. But it is well worth it.

Haha, don’t worry, there is only one more essay in this three-part series! 🩵 Hopefully, you can last 🩵

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Teri Leigh 💜's avatar

I’ll last, and I’ll mourn when they are done. I love the deep feels posts!

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Alexander Lovell, PhD's avatar

This has been an adventure. These posts aren’t done in perpetuity. It’s been an interesting journey for me, and by allowing myself into these memories, I have actually remembered quite a few more. I’ve really appreciated and enjoyed the experience of remembering. And I’m excited to share more.

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