I'm still gonna choose purple over orange, and orange is a really nice complement to purple!
When I read the line "Here's what I finally understand about all that searching: it wasn't aimless wandering. It was active avoidance."...I read the word avoidance as the word "violence". I had to look twice, and twice I saw violence. It wasn't until the third look that I saw "avoidance"...and I realized that avoidance is a form of self-violence.
Searching, and trying to fix, adjust, or make things better is a form of violence against the beauty and abundance of right now.
It's really beautiful, Alex, how you are speaking into this synchronistic theme that keeps popping up for me in conversations with my friends, other creative people, and what I'm reading online. And it's this "novel" idea that being present and responding to what's unfolding in this moment is really how we grow into being fully human and fully alive. I want to say this is the singlemost life-changing practice that has helped me heal from complex trauma, or that helps ground and re-center me when I am feeling overwhelmed (which is very, very often). It's just stopping in the moment when panic begins to rise in my chest, taking several breaths, and then scanning my environment, attuning my heart and my senses to what captivates me in this space and time. And there is always, always something that delights me. Always. It reminds me that it is a privilege to be alive in this day and age, despite everything falling apart on a national and global level.
That is such a beautiful practice, my friend. Thank you for sharing with all of us! So comforting and grounding.
I do believe that this is the most important theme for being fully human - it's the moment, it's the now. Taking our time to stop and be a part of it, to be alive, is what helps us be alive, and not waste away.
Alex, this is so great. And I like how you donβt express regrets for past delusions. That even one hour lived awake would be enough.
Something Iβve realized, that I always remember when Iβm feeling any sort of regret, is that even when Iβm confused or searching or unhappy, Iβm still alive, still breathing, still a piece of a mysterious and beautiful whole. Itβs only the βIβ who thinks experience has to be βworth itβ, and is more worth it if I am βenlightenedβ rather than deluded. But I am so much more than my sense of self. Past me and present me are both perfect.
I always enjoy reading your stuff so much, Alex; it resonates with me ππ
Thank you, Don. I always enjoy reading yours, too! It always resonates with me in the same way!
One hour awake and fully alive would be enough... Because that one hour fully alive can be as long as we want it to be! I think that was a truly insightful moment for me as I was pondering this essay. How powerful that so many hours could be wasted, but in that one hour, we gain so much back, because time is relative.
Your second paragraph really resonated with me. Wow! Past me is perfect too, for it led to present me, who is pretty dang awesome :)
This conversation reminds me of Thich Nhat Hanh discussing The Stranger by Camus. I'd read the book before but Nhat Hanh really helped put it in perspective for me. The main character wastes his life not caring about anyone or anything, and then on death row, in the last hours of his life, he sees the blue sky through the skylight as if for the first time, and he has a profound experience, a powerful sense of awareness or aliveness. And he's content.
I love that you called this out. I really resonated with that part too. I appreciate that you learn something every time you read something of mine. I'm so grateful for you! Thank you for being here, my friend. Also PS - I'm so glad you love the pictures!!!
This is such a poignant, insightful piece that really touched me.
You say, "The years I spent searching weren't a mistake. They were just the time it took to finally get tired of being everywhere except where I was.
And the time that's here right now? It's waiting for me to finally stop looking past it and start living in it."
Time really isn't really a waste. I think many of us go through a searching process until we get to where we want to be. It's part of our self-evolution.
From time to time, I regret the past. Why did I stay for 16 years in an abusive marriage? Why did it take so long for me to get out? But then I remember that had I gotten out of the marriage sooner, I would have led a life without taking the time to recover from that trauma. Time happened exactly as it should've for me because I adopted my now-teen daughter from China. If I got out of the marriage sooner or later, I would've never met her.
You're quickly becoming the most self-aware person in my Substack life. This is an essay that truly gets to the heart of mindfulness and lack thereof. I'm currently taking a journey back through the timeline of my life writing a book about addiction and recovery and I fully resonated with times when I was there doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing, but I wasn't there there, you know? I feel like that might be why big chunks of memories were lost, and when I do remember them, they can be super emotional or painful. In my life today I want to feel it all. Good bad, sad, joyful, and yes, painful. No numbing agents or avoidance tactics from here on out. I'll be here. Thank you ! Love, Virg
Time is elusive. It's also magical, mysterious, and fleeting. I sometimes wonder what happens to time that leaves us. Is time even real?
I need to ponder a bit more on whether or not I agree that we can't lose time we were never present for, though. I definitely agree we tend to think of each moment as a springboard for the next one. It reminds me of when we don't fully listen to what someone is saying but rather so often just start thinking about what our response is going to be.
"The real courage is learning to be present even when presence includes pain." I like that. We can't run away or avoid pain no matter how hard we try to avoid it.
Your advice to stop searching and start inhabiting - perfect. Moment by moment. Live, feel and savor as much as one possibly can. The rest will take care of itself if we let it. Sounds simple enough, and yet...
Alexander, your journey and the vulnerability you share is powerful.
Iβve seen so many people never awaken from the βbeing somewhere elseβ phase of life.. and it is sad.
Society causes this, using comparison to learn who we are instead of slowing down and noticing causes this, and trauma also can all create the fear of expressing our choices, actually being in the room. We learn as children that the world isnβt safe, and thus we live in a perpetually dissociated stateβ¦ itβs so difficult to do what you are doing, and so very brave.
It takes great courage to turn and face trauma directly. Youβve got this, no matter how long or where your journey takes you. All that youβve been through is a story that needs telling, and itβs an honor to read your process and be a witness.
The one thing about raising a child with Down syndrome is that she lived in the present. It was always the here and now for her. Slowing down and living in the present with her, quietly changed my life. There was no "big reveal," or gazing back at what was, or looking forward into what might be in the future. There was just the here and now.
Hi Nancy. Wow. Thank you for sharing this. What a powerful lens to view this perspective through. I'm so glad she shared that experience with you. How life-changing!
How weird we humans resist inhabiting the one, beautiful life we have. Thanks for calling us out of our dream life to inhabit this moment as it is, and this being as it truly is.
MInd blown. Such good stuff, Dr. A. This really opened up my eyes to how I avoid myself with distractions. I can't lose something I'm not claiming. That's so sad for something as important as time.
I think that was a big ah-ha for me, too. Avoidance, through active measures and smaller things like little distractions, really keeps me from inhabiting my own life. I don't want to lose more time. I can't get that back. I want to inhabit as much as possible!
I have life experience that mirrors these feelings too and although part of me feels a kind of grief that I've lived so much of my life looking back at the past or looking forward to the future, I know I've had to live these experiences to learn what presence is. Moving out of survival mode is so tough, psychologically, emotionally and physically, but I'm taking every opportunity I can to make different choices and doing all I can to live each day as it happens. Such a thoughtful piece of writing, thank you π Karen
So sorry, but this sounds like every self absorbed man I've ever known. And I'm not sure it's your fault. Society teaches us to focus on, and be "rewarded" for, titles and material things. As you write, it's not what necessarily makes for a rich life. Kudos for (finally) finding your path in simple presence. Imagine if we lived our lives with presence and intuition rather than a prescribed path that squashes our soulful development!
Pat, I appreciate you reading, but I don't accept the gendered lens you're applying here.
What you're reading as "self-absorbed man" behavior is actually documentation of trauma recovery - homelessness, sexual assault, and a brain injury that literally rewired my neural pathways. The "searching" wasn't about societal rewards or male entitlement. It was dissociation from pain I couldn't process.
Life is far more nuanced than simple gender dynamics. The pattern I'm describing - avoiding presence to protect yourself from difficult truths - isn't gendered. It's human. Women do this too. Anyone who's survived trauma does this.
The neuroscience is clear: trauma responses transcend gender categories. What I'm describing shows up equally in research on women's people-pleasing patterns, men's workaholism, and non-binary individuals' struggles with presence.
The insight about uninhabited time applies universally - it's about the human tendency to protect ourselves from difficult truths by staying in motion, regardless of our gender identity.
I'm still gonna choose purple over orange, and orange is a really nice complement to purple!
When I read the line "Here's what I finally understand about all that searching: it wasn't aimless wandering. It was active avoidance."...I read the word avoidance as the word "violence". I had to look twice, and twice I saw violence. It wasn't until the third look that I saw "avoidance"...and I realized that avoidance is a form of self-violence.
Searching, and trying to fix, adjust, or make things better is a form of violence against the beauty and abundance of right now.
I love you dear friend.
I love you!
Haha, I totally understand. Purple was so beautiful to me. At least we all know what happened to cause it!
How interesting that you read it that way. Wow, that is a profound reading. Avoidance as a form of self-violence. I think that is so very illuminating. It is "a form of violence against the beauty and abundance of right now." WOW! π©΅
It's really beautiful, Alex, how you are speaking into this synchronistic theme that keeps popping up for me in conversations with my friends, other creative people, and what I'm reading online. And it's this "novel" idea that being present and responding to what's unfolding in this moment is really how we grow into being fully human and fully alive. I want to say this is the singlemost life-changing practice that has helped me heal from complex trauma, or that helps ground and re-center me when I am feeling overwhelmed (which is very, very often). It's just stopping in the moment when panic begins to rise in my chest, taking several breaths, and then scanning my environment, attuning my heart and my senses to what captivates me in this space and time. And there is always, always something that delights me. Always. It reminds me that it is a privilege to be alive in this day and age, despite everything falling apart on a national and global level.
That is such a beautiful practice, my friend. Thank you for sharing with all of us! So comforting and grounding.
I do believe that this is the most important theme for being fully human - it's the moment, it's the now. Taking our time to stop and be a part of it, to be alive, is what helps us be alive, and not waste away.
Trauma takes its toll. So do the simple realities of life. Sheesh. But we can reclaim our power π©΅
Alex, this is so great. And I like how you donβt express regrets for past delusions. That even one hour lived awake would be enough.
Something Iβve realized, that I always remember when Iβm feeling any sort of regret, is that even when Iβm confused or searching or unhappy, Iβm still alive, still breathing, still a piece of a mysterious and beautiful whole. Itβs only the βIβ who thinks experience has to be βworth itβ, and is more worth it if I am βenlightenedβ rather than deluded. But I am so much more than my sense of self. Past me and present me are both perfect.
I always enjoy reading your stuff so much, Alex; it resonates with me ππ
Thank you, Don. I always enjoy reading yours, too! It always resonates with me in the same way!
One hour awake and fully alive would be enough... Because that one hour fully alive can be as long as we want it to be! I think that was a truly insightful moment for me as I was pondering this essay. How powerful that so many hours could be wasted, but in that one hour, we gain so much back, because time is relative.
Your second paragraph really resonated with me. Wow! Past me is perfect too, for it led to present me, who is pretty dang awesome :)
Thanks for being here, Don. So appreciate you!
This conversation reminds me of Thich Nhat Hanh discussing The Stranger by Camus. I'd read the book before but Nhat Hanh really helped put it in perspective for me. The main character wastes his life not caring about anyone or anything, and then on death row, in the last hours of his life, he sees the blue sky through the skylight as if for the first time, and he has a profound experience, a powerful sense of awareness or aliveness. And he's content.
Thank you for this. It felt like you were speaking directly to me - and it was something I needed to hear.
Hi Nancy! Thank you for being here. I'm so glad this reached you right when you needed to hear it. You are always so welcome here! π©΅
"The years I spent searching weren't a mistake. They were just the time it took to finally get tired of being everywhere except where I was." This!!!
I learn something about myself every time I read something you've written. So, so grateful for you and your willingness to write and share.
P.S. LOVE the pictures!!
I love that you called this out. I really resonated with that part too. I appreciate that you learn something every time you read something of mine. I'm so grateful for you! Thank you for being here, my friend. Also PS - I'm so glad you love the pictures!!!
Hi Alex,
This is such a poignant, insightful piece that really touched me.
You say, "The years I spent searching weren't a mistake. They were just the time it took to finally get tired of being everywhere except where I was.
And the time that's here right now? It's waiting for me to finally stop looking past it and start living in it."
Time really isn't really a waste. I think many of us go through a searching process until we get to where we want to be. It's part of our self-evolution.
From time to time, I regret the past. Why did I stay for 16 years in an abusive marriage? Why did it take so long for me to get out? But then I remember that had I gotten out of the marriage sooner, I would have led a life without taking the time to recover from that trauma. Time happened exactly as it should've for me because I adopted my now-teen daughter from China. If I got out of the marriage sooner or later, I would've never met her.
So I can't have regrets.
Wonderful essay.
I'm honored that you felt safe enough to share this with us.
Sixteen years - that's such a significant part of your life, and I can only imagine the strength it took to finally leave.
It sounds like you understand the feeling I was trying to convey... and what profound wisdom you've found in your journey.
The way you've reframed those years - not as wasted time, but as the exact path that led you to your daughter. Wow, that's simply breathtaking! It's such a powerful example of how our struggles can lead us to our greatest gifts. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Your story is a testament to resilience and the beautiful way love finds us. I'm so grateful you're here, my friend π©΅
You're quickly becoming the most self-aware person in my Substack life. This is an essay that truly gets to the heart of mindfulness and lack thereof. I'm currently taking a journey back through the timeline of my life writing a book about addiction and recovery and I fully resonated with times when I was there doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing, but I wasn't there there, you know? I feel like that might be why big chunks of memories were lost, and when I do remember them, they can be super emotional or painful. In my life today I want to feel it all. Good bad, sad, joyful, and yes, painful. No numbing agents or avoidance tactics from here on out. I'll be here. Thank you ! Love, Virg
That means the world to me, particularly from someone who has done such deep inner work.
And thank you for sharing your recovery journey with us. The courage it takes to look back through that timeline and write about it is profound work. I love how you put that about being there but not 'there there.' That's such a perfect way to describe that disconnected feeling. The decision to feel everything, even the painful parts, is choosing life in its fullest form. That's beautiful. I'm so grateful for your vulnerability and your commitment to presence. Thank you for being here, my friend π©΅
Hi Alex,
Time is elusive. It's also magical, mysterious, and fleeting. I sometimes wonder what happens to time that leaves us. Is time even real?
I need to ponder a bit more on whether or not I agree that we can't lose time we were never present for, though. I definitely agree we tend to think of each moment as a springboard for the next one. It reminds me of when we don't fully listen to what someone is saying but rather so often just start thinking about what our response is going to be.
"The real courage is learning to be present even when presence includes pain." I like that. We can't run away or avoid pain no matter how hard we try to avoid it.
Your advice to stop searching and start inhabiting - perfect. Moment by moment. Live, feel and savor as much as one possibly can. The rest will take care of itself if we let it. Sounds simple enough, and yet...
Thank you for another thought-provoking article.
That means the world to me. Your questions about time really make me think. Is time even real? What a profound question to sit with. I love how you connected this to listening. We do that so often, don't we? Planning our response instead of truly hearing. I love that you pulled out that line. It feels so true, doesn't it? I appreciate that you're wrestling with these ideas rather than just accepting them. That 'and yet...' says everything, doesn't it? The knowing and the doing are different things. Thank you for such thoughtful reflections. I'm so grateful you're here π©΅
Alexander, your journey and the vulnerability you share is powerful.
Iβve seen so many people never awaken from the βbeing somewhere elseβ phase of life.. and it is sad.
Society causes this, using comparison to learn who we are instead of slowing down and noticing causes this, and trauma also can all create the fear of expressing our choices, actually being in the room. We learn as children that the world isnβt safe, and thus we live in a perpetually dissociated stateβ¦ itβs so difficult to do what you are doing, and so very brave.
Thank you for sharing your journey.
Thank you, my friend, for being here. Thank you for being a witness. π©΅
I have seen many people not awaken either. It does make me sad. The antidote is so simple, yet simple isn't easy, and that dissuades people from leaning in. But leaning into feeling alive is so breathtaking and magical. I haven't regretted it, even if it has come with its own set of inconveniences. π©΅
Youβre most welcome dear Alexander.
It takes great courage to turn and face trauma directly. Youβve got this, no matter how long or where your journey takes you. All that youβve been through is a story that needs telling, and itβs an honor to read your process and be a witness.
The one thing about raising a child with Down syndrome is that she lived in the present. It was always the here and now for her. Slowing down and living in the present with her, quietly changed my life. There was no "big reveal," or gazing back at what was, or looking forward into what might be in the future. There was just the here and now.
Hi Nancy. Wow. Thank you for sharing this. What a powerful lens to view this perspective through. I'm so glad she shared that experience with you. How life-changing!
How weird we humans resist inhabiting the one, beautiful life we have. Thanks for calling us out of our dream life to inhabit this moment as it is, and this being as it truly is.
Isn't it weird? And yet, very easy to do! Thank you for reading and sharing, my friend. I so appreciate you. π©΅
MInd blown. Such good stuff, Dr. A. This really opened up my eyes to how I avoid myself with distractions. I can't lose something I'm not claiming. That's so sad for something as important as time.
I think that was a big ah-ha for me, too. Avoidance, through active measures and smaller things like little distractions, really keeps me from inhabiting my own life. I don't want to lose more time. I can't get that back. I want to inhabit as much as possible!
I have life experience that mirrors these feelings too and although part of me feels a kind of grief that I've lived so much of my life looking back at the past or looking forward to the future, I know I've had to live these experiences to learn what presence is. Moving out of survival mode is so tough, psychologically, emotionally and physically, but I'm taking every opportunity I can to make different choices and doing all I can to live each day as it happens. Such a thoughtful piece of writing, thank you π Karen
Hi Karen, thank you for sharing. I so appreciate you! I relate to the feeling of grief. I think that is so normal, especially when we have been processing so many complex emotions, memories, and experiences relating to trauma. But, we can do it π©΅ We can inhabit each day, more and more. π©΅
There are so many great takeaways in this, Alex. So much I recognize in me. Thank you!
Thank you π©΅ I'm so glad you are here π©΅
So sorry, but this sounds like every self absorbed man I've ever known. And I'm not sure it's your fault. Society teaches us to focus on, and be "rewarded" for, titles and material things. As you write, it's not what necessarily makes for a rich life. Kudos for (finally) finding your path in simple presence. Imagine if we lived our lives with presence and intuition rather than a prescribed path that squashes our soulful development!
Pat, I appreciate you reading, but I don't accept the gendered lens you're applying here.
What you're reading as "self-absorbed man" behavior is actually documentation of trauma recovery - homelessness, sexual assault, and a brain injury that literally rewired my neural pathways. The "searching" wasn't about societal rewards or male entitlement. It was dissociation from pain I couldn't process.
Life is far more nuanced than simple gender dynamics. The pattern I'm describing - avoiding presence to protect yourself from difficult truths - isn't gendered. It's human. Women do this too. Anyone who's survived trauma does this.
Distilling complex social phenomena to a single lens is intellectually unhelpful. If you're interested in understanding how trauma affects presence and dissociation across all demographics, I'd encourage you to read Judith Herman's "Trauma and Recovery," Bessel van der Kolk's research on how trauma literally rewires the brain regardless of gender, or Gabor MatΓ©'s work on how childhood adversity creates lifelong patterns of avoidance in both men and women.
For broader perspective on why single-lens analysis fails, see KimberlΓ© Crenshaw's foundational work on intersectionality, which demonstrates how multiple identity categories interact in complex ways that can't be reduced to one factor. Patricia Hill Collins' "Black Feminist Thought" shows how reductive frameworks miss the lived complexity of actual human experience. Even in psychology, researchers like Bronfenbrenner have demonstrated that human behavior emerges from multiple overlapping systems - biological, psychological, social, cultural - not single causes.
The neuroscience is clear: trauma responses transcend gender categories. What I'm describing shows up equally in research on women's people-pleasing patterns, men's workaholism, and non-binary individuals' struggles with presence.
The insight about uninhabited time applies universally - it's about the human tendency to protect ourselves from difficult truths by staying in motion, regardless of our gender identity.