“Your poor planning does not constitute my emergency.”
Someone said this to me once and I had to turn it over in my head a dozen times before I really got it. How many times do I drop everything because someone else didn’t put their big boy pants on that day? Too many. I was soooo often “the lifesaver” and I wore that badge with pride for a long time.
Life saving is so often a quiet form of enabling. The transition to empowering has been slow for me. But profound.
Yes. I so so so so so so so relate. Being the "lifesaver" not just enables others, but it is so very draining for the self. The transition is truly profound.
Gosh, who doesn't relate to this? So often, we think we have to say, yes. We worry way too much about offending or just disappointing others by saying no. Usually, we overthink things, or I know I do. For ex, if I tell my adult kids to take an Uber instead of me picking them up at the airport, I tell myself I'm a bad parent. Or if I say, no, I'm not cooking, let's get takeout. Same deal. But my time is valuable - everyone's is. My stress level matters. Saying no sometimes is fine. More than fine. As is saying yes, of course. It's the obligatory yes that gets us into trouble. I am getting a little better at saying no, that's not going to work this time. And also saying no without an explanation. Getting better at that too.
This was such a good essay, Alex. I love how you gave such personal examples, too - the wanting to sleep in and to have your morning coffee routine, respecting your own time - all provide such clarity. Thank you for yet another piece that offers us another way of thinking.
I love this part of your comment: Saying no sometimes is fine. More than fine. As is saying yes, of course. It's the obligatory yes that gets us into trouble.
That is the heart of my piece. It is the obligatory yes. We can say yes. But we should also have the autonomy to say no. Our stress, our life, our plans also matter. So what if you want to spend your Saturday morning enjoying it rather than helping out. We don't always have to be in service to others, every moment of every day. I believe we also have a responsibility to be in service to ourselves too. 🩵
I'm so glad you are here, Susie. I'm so glad you take that away. You have permission to be a little more, and do a little more, and also do a little less. Whatever feels like what you need in that moment, my friend.
Great piece, Alex. The thing that really struck me is the idea that you’re not treating another like an adult if you assume they will take it badly, or judge you, if you can’t be there for them.
This is kind of related to that other issue you mentioned in a note, about allowing others to think what they want about you, without always defending.
It’s all about letting go, isn’t it? That’s self-empowerment! 💚
Thank you, my friend, for being here! In my meditation, as I was building this piece, that was a major insight for me, too. I think there is inherent respect that we pay people when we say no. We respect them as the capable adults that they are. It is about letting go. We cannot control everything. We cannot control most things. :)
Thank you, Alex. I once read, "setting boundaries aren't to hurt others, but to love yourself." After truly absorbing that, saying 'no' got much easier.
Something similar used to happen to me with words. As a sensitive soul, there'd be some things that people casually say...especially my parents, that'd deeply hurt me. One day, my sister asked me, "When our parents don't think twice before talking...why do you overthink the fuck out of it and shut up? Why can't you stand up for yourself?"
The next morning, my dad said something so casually that it felt like a slap. Terrified, body almost frozen, I still stood up for myself and told him that it wasn't okay...what he said. He looked at me for a moment...and said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have spoken that way. I'll keep this in mind." and just moved on!!!!
I was sitting there...staring at the wall for a good 10 min thinking, "That's it???? This is what I was overthinking all my life for????? Why????"
Awwww, Shruthi, thank you thank you for your kind and wonderful comment! What a fantastic example of this in practice. But, it certainly can take a lot of effort for the sensitive soul. Standing up for ourselves is very difficult, when it seems like the safer route for all is to let the words pass. But those words have a way of settling into us, don't they?
I'm so glad you were able to lean into yourself that day! Wow! Thank you for sharing such a powerful story that illustrates so much of what I shared here in this essay. 🩵
Everything you wrote about here is so relatable, both the lessons and the real examples from your daily life. I used to say 'yes' to everything, too. As you say, it felt good to be needed, to be the hero, to be helpful. But it didn't come from a desire to be useful, but rather a fear of disappointing others. My fear imprisoned me. About twenty years ago, Stephen Covey shared an occasion when his wife said 'no' to a volunteer opportunity. Could it be that simple? Isn't that being selfish? Won't people despise me and never talk to me again? Yes, no, no. Thank you for another brilliant exploration of what it means to be human.
I love the Covey example. It is such a perfect encapsulation of this. Because it is that simple, and it isn't selfish. As I mentioned in a response to Nancy above (or below, depending on where substack places that comment), "We don't always have to be in service to others, every moment of every day. I believe we also have a responsibility to be in service to ourselves too." I do believe we owe ourselves service. And sometimes that means ensuring we take our own time for ourselves. And that sometimes means saying no. :)
Caregiving was ingrained in me, long before I became an RN. What took me almost to the 6th decade of my life is that caregiving is not synonymous with having no boundaries. I was that immediate yes. Family and friends would turn to me for all things medical and even non-medical. Of course I can help you. Fast forward to my 50’s and 60’s and now I am chronically ill. Guess what? No one is helping me. And is often the case for serial caregivers, I suck at asking for help. But I sure can set boundaries on those who still ask for my help… and they do.
Hi Jan, thank you for sharing. I can only imagine how caregiving is ingrained in you! I know quite a few nurses, and this is a virtue that permeates throughout their life! It leads to a palpable exhaustion.
My chest tightens what I read the phrase, "No one is helping me." That is often the case for serial caregivers. That has often been my reality too. How often has it been the case that no one has been available to help me move, or help me watch my dogs, or after my accident, help me with groceries, or other needs that I had while I was dealing with a new reality? Yet, these same people for, in some cases, multiple decades, have taken advantage of my help!
I'm so glad you are in a new boundary setting era 🩵
First, I'm so impressed at your 6:31 am writing time :-)
I'm something of an expert on the habits of this Pleaser Saboteur, as Shirzad Chamine's Positive Intelligence program calls it. But not just because I teach others about this behavior but because it took me six decades to bust my own pleaser habits and to realize why I was engaging in that behavior. Blessed relief when I did!
We're not just being beneficent. Deep inside, there is always something we're trying to get in return and until we examine that as you have done, we continue the dysfunction. The behavior is not authentic, makes relationships transactional and leaves us with a vague feeling of subordination, as if we've surrendered part of ourselves. I'm sure your article will be a wonderful mirror for others to reflect on this very common behavior.
There is something we are trying to get in return, we often just don't realize it. People pleasing is not beneficial to us! And, I don't think it is beneficial for the other party either. It robs us both of authentic connection. Thank you for sharing, and sharing your wisdom and experience with us. 🩵
Another insightful piece of writing, Alex! This could have been me forty years ago, but I had that wake-up call and decided that it was ok to set boundaries. Friends would understand--and if the person didn't understand? That told me a lot about the relationship.
It helped me raise children from a different starting point. Was I a perfect parent? No, but I was an emotionally healthier parent then one of my parents.
Oh, man, did this resonate with me. I have a history of acting out of obligation and fear of how people would perceive me if I didn't accommodate them. I've been unfortunately perceived as the schlep, who would do anything I was asked. This whole thing started in childhood and worked its way into adulthood.
Setting boundaries in a kind but firm manner is so vital. I have been setting boundaries now, and it's always somewhat difficult, but I'm hoping that, in time, I become more comfortable with it. And the worry about how I'm perceived is always there, but I've been setting boundaries anyway.
Thank you for this thought-provoking post. I so appreciate your insights.
Hi Beth - I'm so glad this resonated with you. I have the same history of acting out of obligation. As I've traced this behavior, mine also started in childhood as a way to "fit in" with friend groups. I was a bit of the odd one, and so I'd basically do anything to keep in with a group of friends. That behavior translated into adulthood. And now, it is no more! Thank you for reading, commenting, and sharing 🩵
For years I was a doormat, allowing others' priorities to override mine. I'm a lot more aware, like you, that I don't have to say yes all the time. I face the same internal battles as you, but I'm growing more comfortable with every no I put out there.
Yes! It is a set of internal battles. I still probably say yes more than no, but I say "no" WAY more often than I did. Small steps, for sure, right? :)
"As if our worth is measured by our willingness to dissolve into other people's convenience." Yep, that's me in a nutshell. Or at least, it has been. While I've improved, I still jump too fast, too often. But in reading this post, Alex, I've realized that it was never thrust upon me, I've jumped into the servitude role voluntarily to be a good person. The biggest problem with that is that I haven't been good to me. I'm getting better at that though! Great insights as always! 🧡
I think it takes a lifetime to perfect being good to ourselves! We learn many things when we're younger, but much of it doesn't serve us well as we grow. We can be in service to others, but we also must be in service to ourselves.
Absolutely sharing. I used to be a people pleaser. My friend Rick who is a life coach taught me if you don't have a good no your yes means nothing. It completely changed my life. And I have shared it with so many people. I will be sharing this with many people as well.
Thank you for sharing! I love that - I so agree! Our yes does mean nothing if we don't have a no. Such a great approach! Thank you for sharing that with us here, too! 🩵
Wow, so much (again) to say. This part especially hit home: "I'm not just saying yes to the favor. I'm saying yes to the entire identity I've constructed around being endlessly accommodating."
When you mentioned that you didn't consciously say "of course" and that is just slipped out before you were aware of it, I thought about something my friend Joanne told me last night during our visit. She said, "Sometimes we need to break out of the defined paths other people have forged for us."
I think you are saying something similar, though you wrote that you created the identity, while Joanne was saying that sometimes our families of origin carve that path when we are quite young, and we sort of just fall into it.
Also yesterday: I came home from a long day taking Sarah to an out-of-town doctor's appointment (we were gone almost 8 hours total, including driving), and when I returned home, my husband was offended that I hadn't gotten around to reading an article he sent me. I proceeded to tell him that this type of expectation, given what I had been doing all day, was unreasonable and unfair.
And then it hit me that I have likely created my own monster. Because I have always been so accommodating (overly so) and genuinely WANT to help others out, no questions asked, now they EXPECT it of me. And that includes responding PRONTO to a text or email. Even my HUSBAND expects that of me!
So your post arrives at a timely point in my life, and I'm examining how I can nurture appropriate boundaries to protect my health and my time while also continuing to be generous to the people I love.
Hello, my friend. Thank you for sharing all of this.
I think what your friend Joanne is sharing, and what I am sharing, are very interrelated. My lens is often identity. Professional bias. Haha! But our family origin pathways also carve this out for us quite early too. They intermix and then we fall into certain patterns of behavior for many years until we can break those patterns.
Thank you for sharing the story about you and your husband. I think it is so perfectly illustrative of what happens when we fall into this trap. Boundaries not only help us, they also help other people navigate us. And when we set them appropriately, everyone is actually happier, because there aren't surprises!
“Your poor planning does not constitute my emergency.”
Someone said this to me once and I had to turn it over in my head a dozen times before I really got it. How many times do I drop everything because someone else didn’t put their big boy pants on that day? Too many. I was soooo often “the lifesaver” and I wore that badge with pride for a long time.
Life saving is so often a quiet form of enabling. The transition to empowering has been slow for me. But profound.
I hope you are having so much fun, my friend, on your glorious trip!
Yes. I so so so so so so so relate. Being the "lifesaver" not just enables others, but it is so very draining for the self. The transition is truly profound.
Hi Alex,
Gosh, who doesn't relate to this? So often, we think we have to say, yes. We worry way too much about offending or just disappointing others by saying no. Usually, we overthink things, or I know I do. For ex, if I tell my adult kids to take an Uber instead of me picking them up at the airport, I tell myself I'm a bad parent. Or if I say, no, I'm not cooking, let's get takeout. Same deal. But my time is valuable - everyone's is. My stress level matters. Saying no sometimes is fine. More than fine. As is saying yes, of course. It's the obligatory yes that gets us into trouble. I am getting a little better at saying no, that's not going to work this time. And also saying no without an explanation. Getting better at that too.
This was such a good essay, Alex. I love how you gave such personal examples, too - the wanting to sleep in and to have your morning coffee routine, respecting your own time - all provide such clarity. Thank you for yet another piece that offers us another way of thinking.
I love this part of your comment: Saying no sometimes is fine. More than fine. As is saying yes, of course. It's the obligatory yes that gets us into trouble.
That is the heart of my piece. It is the obligatory yes. We can say yes. But we should also have the autonomy to say no. Our stress, our life, our plans also matter. So what if you want to spend your Saturday morning enjoying it rather than helping out. We don't always have to be in service to others, every moment of every day. I believe we also have a responsibility to be in service to ourselves too. 🩵
Your writing always gives me permission to be a little more, do a little more (or less). After the permission comes, hopefully, the action. Thank you.
I'm so glad you are here, Susie. I'm so glad you take that away. You have permission to be a little more, and do a little more, and also do a little less. Whatever feels like what you need in that moment, my friend.
Great piece, Alex. The thing that really struck me is the idea that you’re not treating another like an adult if you assume they will take it badly, or judge you, if you can’t be there for them.
This is kind of related to that other issue you mentioned in a note, about allowing others to think what they want about you, without always defending.
It’s all about letting go, isn’t it? That’s self-empowerment! 💚
Thank you, my friend, for being here! In my meditation, as I was building this piece, that was a major insight for me, too. I think there is inherent respect that we pay people when we say no. We respect them as the capable adults that they are. It is about letting go. We cannot control everything. We cannot control most things. :)
I think this is an important insight, one that perhaps many people who have difficulty saying no do not realize. Get the word out, Alex! 😀
Thank you, Alex. I once read, "setting boundaries aren't to hurt others, but to love yourself." After truly absorbing that, saying 'no' got much easier.
Yes! The "no" is much easier once we realize that it has nothing to do with them and almost everything to do with us!
Gosh, Alex!! This was beautiful!
Something similar used to happen to me with words. As a sensitive soul, there'd be some things that people casually say...especially my parents, that'd deeply hurt me. One day, my sister asked me, "When our parents don't think twice before talking...why do you overthink the fuck out of it and shut up? Why can't you stand up for yourself?"
The next morning, my dad said something so casually that it felt like a slap. Terrified, body almost frozen, I still stood up for myself and told him that it wasn't okay...what he said. He looked at me for a moment...and said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have spoken that way. I'll keep this in mind." and just moved on!!!!
I was sitting there...staring at the wall for a good 10 min thinking, "That's it???? This is what I was overthinking all my life for????? Why????"
Life completely changed that day. Man!!
Awwww, Shruthi, thank you thank you for your kind and wonderful comment! What a fantastic example of this in practice. But, it certainly can take a lot of effort for the sensitive soul. Standing up for ourselves is very difficult, when it seems like the safer route for all is to let the words pass. But those words have a way of settling into us, don't they?
I'm so glad you were able to lean into yourself that day! Wow! Thank you for sharing such a powerful story that illustrates so much of what I shared here in this essay. 🩵
Everything you wrote about here is so relatable, both the lessons and the real examples from your daily life. I used to say 'yes' to everything, too. As you say, it felt good to be needed, to be the hero, to be helpful. But it didn't come from a desire to be useful, but rather a fear of disappointing others. My fear imprisoned me. About twenty years ago, Stephen Covey shared an occasion when his wife said 'no' to a volunteer opportunity. Could it be that simple? Isn't that being selfish? Won't people despise me and never talk to me again? Yes, no, no. Thank you for another brilliant exploration of what it means to be human.
I love the Covey example. It is such a perfect encapsulation of this. Because it is that simple, and it isn't selfish. As I mentioned in a response to Nancy above (or below, depending on where substack places that comment), "We don't always have to be in service to others, every moment of every day. I believe we also have a responsibility to be in service to ourselves too." I do believe we owe ourselves service. And sometimes that means ensuring we take our own time for ourselves. And that sometimes means saying no. :)
Caregiving was ingrained in me, long before I became an RN. What took me almost to the 6th decade of my life is that caregiving is not synonymous with having no boundaries. I was that immediate yes. Family and friends would turn to me for all things medical and even non-medical. Of course I can help you. Fast forward to my 50’s and 60’s and now I am chronically ill. Guess what? No one is helping me. And is often the case for serial caregivers, I suck at asking for help. But I sure can set boundaries on those who still ask for my help… and they do.
Hi Jan, thank you for sharing. I can only imagine how caregiving is ingrained in you! I know quite a few nurses, and this is a virtue that permeates throughout their life! It leads to a palpable exhaustion.
My chest tightens what I read the phrase, "No one is helping me." That is often the case for serial caregivers. That has often been my reality too. How often has it been the case that no one has been available to help me move, or help me watch my dogs, or after my accident, help me with groceries, or other needs that I had while I was dealing with a new reality? Yet, these same people for, in some cases, multiple decades, have taken advantage of my help!
I'm so glad you are in a new boundary setting era 🩵
First, I'm so impressed at your 6:31 am writing time :-)
I'm something of an expert on the habits of this Pleaser Saboteur, as Shirzad Chamine's Positive Intelligence program calls it. But not just because I teach others about this behavior but because it took me six decades to bust my own pleaser habits and to realize why I was engaging in that behavior. Blessed relief when I did!
We're not just being beneficent. Deep inside, there is always something we're trying to get in return and until we examine that as you have done, we continue the dysfunction. The behavior is not authentic, makes relationships transactional and leaves us with a vague feeling of subordination, as if we've surrendered part of ourselves. I'm sure your article will be a wonderful mirror for others to reflect on this very common behavior.
I hope it will be a wonderful mirror!
There is something we are trying to get in return, we often just don't realize it. People pleasing is not beneficial to us! And, I don't think it is beneficial for the other party either. It robs us both of authentic connection. Thank you for sharing, and sharing your wisdom and experience with us. 🩵
Another insightful piece of writing, Alex! This could have been me forty years ago, but I had that wake-up call and decided that it was ok to set boundaries. Friends would understand--and if the person didn't understand? That told me a lot about the relationship.
Thank you, Nancy! I'm so glad you had this wake-up call! It's a nice barometer, isn't it?
It helped me raise children from a different starting point. Was I a perfect parent? No, but I was an emotionally healthier parent then one of my parents.
Hi Alex,
Oh, man, did this resonate with me. I have a history of acting out of obligation and fear of how people would perceive me if I didn't accommodate them. I've been unfortunately perceived as the schlep, who would do anything I was asked. This whole thing started in childhood and worked its way into adulthood.
Setting boundaries in a kind but firm manner is so vital. I have been setting boundaries now, and it's always somewhat difficult, but I'm hoping that, in time, I become more comfortable with it. And the worry about how I'm perceived is always there, but I've been setting boundaries anyway.
Thank you for this thought-provoking post. I so appreciate your insights.
Hi Beth - I'm so glad this resonated with you. I have the same history of acting out of obligation. As I've traced this behavior, mine also started in childhood as a way to "fit in" with friend groups. I was a bit of the odd one, and so I'd basically do anything to keep in with a group of friends. That behavior translated into adulthood. And now, it is no more! Thank you for reading, commenting, and sharing 🩵
For years I was a doormat, allowing others' priorities to override mine. I'm a lot more aware, like you, that I don't have to say yes all the time. I face the same internal battles as you, but I'm growing more comfortable with every no I put out there.
Yes! It is a set of internal battles. I still probably say yes more than no, but I say "no" WAY more often than I did. Small steps, for sure, right? :)
"As if our worth is measured by our willingness to dissolve into other people's convenience." Yep, that's me in a nutshell. Or at least, it has been. While I've improved, I still jump too fast, too often. But in reading this post, Alex, I've realized that it was never thrust upon me, I've jumped into the servitude role voluntarily to be a good person. The biggest problem with that is that I haven't been good to me. I'm getting better at that though! Great insights as always! 🧡
I think it takes a lifetime to perfect being good to ourselves! We learn many things when we're younger, but much of it doesn't serve us well as we grow. We can be in service to others, but we also must be in service to ourselves.
Absolutely sharing. I used to be a people pleaser. My friend Rick who is a life coach taught me if you don't have a good no your yes means nothing. It completely changed my life. And I have shared it with so many people. I will be sharing this with many people as well.
Thank you for sharing! I love that - I so agree! Our yes does mean nothing if we don't have a no. Such a great approach! Thank you for sharing that with us here, too! 🩵
Every. Single. Line. This piece is rich with valuable takeaways. I will be referring back to it. Often. Thank you.
Awwww, thank you, Heidi! I so appreciate you. Thank you for being here!
I so enjoy following along
Hi Alex,
Wow, so much (again) to say. This part especially hit home: "I'm not just saying yes to the favor. I'm saying yes to the entire identity I've constructed around being endlessly accommodating."
When you mentioned that you didn't consciously say "of course" and that is just slipped out before you were aware of it, I thought about something my friend Joanne told me last night during our visit. She said, "Sometimes we need to break out of the defined paths other people have forged for us."
I think you are saying something similar, though you wrote that you created the identity, while Joanne was saying that sometimes our families of origin carve that path when we are quite young, and we sort of just fall into it.
Also yesterday: I came home from a long day taking Sarah to an out-of-town doctor's appointment (we were gone almost 8 hours total, including driving), and when I returned home, my husband was offended that I hadn't gotten around to reading an article he sent me. I proceeded to tell him that this type of expectation, given what I had been doing all day, was unreasonable and unfair.
And then it hit me that I have likely created my own monster. Because I have always been so accommodating (overly so) and genuinely WANT to help others out, no questions asked, now they EXPECT it of me. And that includes responding PRONTO to a text or email. Even my HUSBAND expects that of me!
So your post arrives at a timely point in my life, and I'm examining how I can nurture appropriate boundaries to protect my health and my time while also continuing to be generous to the people I love.
Hello, my friend. Thank you for sharing all of this.
I think what your friend Joanne is sharing, and what I am sharing, are very interrelated. My lens is often identity. Professional bias. Haha! But our family origin pathways also carve this out for us quite early too. They intermix and then we fall into certain patterns of behavior for many years until we can break those patterns.
Thank you for sharing the story about you and your husband. I think it is so perfectly illustrative of what happens when we fall into this trap. Boundaries not only help us, they also help other people navigate us. And when we set them appropriately, everyone is actually happier, because there aren't surprises!