“Your poor planning does not constitute my emergency.”
Someone said this to me once and I had to turn it over in my head a dozen times before I really got it. How many times do I drop everything because someone else didn’t put their big boy pants on that day? Too many. I was soooo often “the lifesaver” and I wore that badge with pride for a long time.
Life saving is so often a quiet form of enabling. The transition to empowering has been slow for me. But profound.
Gosh, who doesn't relate to this? So often, we think we have to say, yes. We worry way too much about offending or just disappointing others by saying no. Usually, we overthink things, or I know I do. For ex, if I tell my adult kids to take an Uber instead of me picking them up at the airport, I tell myself I'm a bad parent. Or if I say, no, I'm not cooking, let's get takeout. Same deal. But my time is valuable - everyone's is. My stress level matters. Saying no sometimes is fine. More than fine. As is saying yes, of course. It's the obligatory yes that gets us into trouble. I am getting a little better at saying no, that's not going to work this time. And also saying no without an explanation. Getting better at that too.
This was such a good essay, Alex. I love how you gave such personal examples, too - the wanting to sleep in and to have your morning coffee routine, respecting your own time - all provide such clarity. Thank you for yet another piece that offers us another way of thinking.
Great piece, Alex. The thing that really struck me is the idea that you’re not treating another like an adult if you assume they will take it badly, or judge you, if you can’t be there for them.
This is kind of related to that other issue you mentioned in a note, about allowing others to think what they want about you, without always defending.
It’s all about letting go, isn’t it? That’s self-empowerment! 💚
Thank you, Alex. I once read, "setting boundaries aren't to hurt others, but to love yourself." After truly absorbing that, saying 'no' got much easier.
Something similar used to happen to me with words. As a sensitive soul, there'd be some things that people casually say...especially my parents, that'd deeply hurt me. One day, my sister asked me, "When our parents don't think twice before talking...why do you overthink the fuck out of it and shut up? Why can't you stand up for yourself?"
The next morning, my dad said something so casually that it felt like a slap. Terrified, body almost frozen, I still stood up for myself and told him that it wasn't okay...what he said. He looked at me for a moment...and said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have spoken that way. I'll keep this in mind." and just moved on!!!!
I was sitting there...staring at the wall for a good 10 min thinking, "That's it???? This is what I was overthinking all my life for????? Why????"
Caregiving was ingrained in me, long before I became an RN. What took me almost to the 6th decade of my life is that caregiving is not synonymous with having no boundaries. I was that immediate yes. Family and friends would turn to me for all things medical and even non-medical. Of course I can help you. Fast forward to my 50’s and 60’s and now I am chronically ill. Guess what? No one is helping me. And is often the case for serial caregivers, I suck at asking for help. But I sure can set boundaries on those who still ask for my help… and they do.
First, I'm so impressed at your 6:31 am writing time :-)
I'm something of an expert on the habits of this Pleaser Saboteur, as Shirzad Chamine's Positive Intelligence program calls it. But not just because I teach others about this behavior but because it took me six decades to bust my own pleaser habits and to realize why I was engaging in that behavior. Blessed relief when I did!
We're not just being beneficent. Deep inside, there is always something we're trying to get in return and until we examine that as you have done, we continue the dysfunction. The behavior is not authentic, makes relationships transactional and leaves us with a vague feeling of subordination, as if we've surrendered part of ourselves. I'm sure your article will be a wonderful mirror for others to reflect on this very common behavior.
Another insightful piece of writing, Alex! This could have been me forty years ago, but I had that wake-up call and decided that it was ok to set boundaries. Friends would understand--and if the person didn't understand? That told me a lot about the relationship.
Oh, man, did this resonate with me. I have a history of acting out of obligation and fear of how people would perceive me if I didn't accommodate them. I've been unfortunately perceived as the schlep, who would do anything I was asked. This whole thing started in childhood and worked its way into adulthood.
Setting boundaries in a kind but firm manner is so vital. I have been setting boundaries now, and it's always somewhat difficult, but I'm hoping that, in time, I become more comfortable with it. And the worry about how I'm perceived is always there, but I've been setting boundaries anyway.
Thank you for this thought-provoking post. I so appreciate your insights.
For years I was a doormat, allowing others' priorities to override mine. I'm a lot more aware, like you, that I don't have to say yes all the time. I face the same internal battles as you, but I'm growing more comfortable with every no I put out there.
Everything you wrote about here is so relatable, both the lessons and the real examples from your daily life. I used to say 'yes' to everything, too. As you say, it felt good to be needed, to be the hero, to be helpful. But it didn't come from a desire to be useful, but rather a fear of disappointing others. My fear imprisoned me. About twenty years ago, Stephen Covey shared an occasion when his wife said 'no' to a volunteer opportunity. Could it be that simple? Isn't that being selfish? Won't people despise me and never talk to me again? Yes, no, no. Thank you for another brilliant exploration of what it means to be human.
"As if our worth is measured by our willingness to dissolve into other people's convenience." Yep, that's me in a nutshell. Or at least, it has been. While I've improved, I still jump too fast, too often. But in reading this post, Alex, I've realized that it was never thrust upon me, I've jumped into the servitude role voluntarily to be a good person. The biggest problem with that is that I haven't been good to me. I'm getting better at that though! Great insights as always! 🧡
Absolutely sharing. I used to be a people pleaser. My friend Rick who is a life coach taught me if you don't have a good no your yes means nothing. It completely changed my life. And I have shared it with so many people. I will be sharing this with many people as well.
Wow, so much (again) to say. This part especially hit home: "I'm not just saying yes to the favor. I'm saying yes to the entire identity I've constructed around being endlessly accommodating."
When you mentioned that you didn't consciously say "of course" and that is just slipped out before you were aware of it, I thought about something my friend Joanne told me last night during our visit. She said, "Sometimes we need to break out of the defined paths other people have forged for us."
I think you are saying something similar, though you wrote that you created the identity, while Joanne was saying that sometimes our families of origin carve that path when we are quite young, and we sort of just fall into it.
Also yesterday: I came home from a long day taking Sarah to an out-of-town doctor's appointment (we were gone almost 8 hours total, including driving), and when I returned home, my husband was offended that I hadn't gotten around to reading an article he sent me. I proceeded to tell him that this type of expectation, given what I had been doing all day, was unreasonable and unfair.
And then it hit me that I have likely created my own monster. Because I have always been so accommodating (overly so) and genuinely WANT to help others out, no questions asked, now they EXPECT it of me. And that includes responding PRONTO to a text or email. Even my HUSBAND expects that of me!
So your post arrives at a timely point in my life, and I'm examining how I can nurture appropriate boundaries to protect my health and my time while also continuing to be generous to the people I love.
“Your poor planning does not constitute my emergency.”
Someone said this to me once and I had to turn it over in my head a dozen times before I really got it. How many times do I drop everything because someone else didn’t put their big boy pants on that day? Too many. I was soooo often “the lifesaver” and I wore that badge with pride for a long time.
Life saving is so often a quiet form of enabling. The transition to empowering has been slow for me. But profound.
Hi Alex,
Gosh, who doesn't relate to this? So often, we think we have to say, yes. We worry way too much about offending or just disappointing others by saying no. Usually, we overthink things, or I know I do. For ex, if I tell my adult kids to take an Uber instead of me picking them up at the airport, I tell myself I'm a bad parent. Or if I say, no, I'm not cooking, let's get takeout. Same deal. But my time is valuable - everyone's is. My stress level matters. Saying no sometimes is fine. More than fine. As is saying yes, of course. It's the obligatory yes that gets us into trouble. I am getting a little better at saying no, that's not going to work this time. And also saying no without an explanation. Getting better at that too.
This was such a good essay, Alex. I love how you gave such personal examples, too - the wanting to sleep in and to have your morning coffee routine, respecting your own time - all provide such clarity. Thank you for yet another piece that offers us another way of thinking.
Your writing always gives me permission to be a little more, do a little more (or less). After the permission comes, hopefully, the action. Thank you.
Great piece, Alex. The thing that really struck me is the idea that you’re not treating another like an adult if you assume they will take it badly, or judge you, if you can’t be there for them.
This is kind of related to that other issue you mentioned in a note, about allowing others to think what they want about you, without always defending.
It’s all about letting go, isn’t it? That’s self-empowerment! 💚
Thank you, Alex. I once read, "setting boundaries aren't to hurt others, but to love yourself." After truly absorbing that, saying 'no' got much easier.
Gosh, Alex!! This was beautiful!
Something similar used to happen to me with words. As a sensitive soul, there'd be some things that people casually say...especially my parents, that'd deeply hurt me. One day, my sister asked me, "When our parents don't think twice before talking...why do you overthink the fuck out of it and shut up? Why can't you stand up for yourself?"
The next morning, my dad said something so casually that it felt like a slap. Terrified, body almost frozen, I still stood up for myself and told him that it wasn't okay...what he said. He looked at me for a moment...and said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have spoken that way. I'll keep this in mind." and just moved on!!!!
I was sitting there...staring at the wall for a good 10 min thinking, "That's it???? This is what I was overthinking all my life for????? Why????"
Life completely changed that day. Man!!
Caregiving was ingrained in me, long before I became an RN. What took me almost to the 6th decade of my life is that caregiving is not synonymous with having no boundaries. I was that immediate yes. Family and friends would turn to me for all things medical and even non-medical. Of course I can help you. Fast forward to my 50’s and 60’s and now I am chronically ill. Guess what? No one is helping me. And is often the case for serial caregivers, I suck at asking for help. But I sure can set boundaries on those who still ask for my help… and they do.
First, I'm so impressed at your 6:31 am writing time :-)
I'm something of an expert on the habits of this Pleaser Saboteur, as Shirzad Chamine's Positive Intelligence program calls it. But not just because I teach others about this behavior but because it took me six decades to bust my own pleaser habits and to realize why I was engaging in that behavior. Blessed relief when I did!
We're not just being beneficent. Deep inside, there is always something we're trying to get in return and until we examine that as you have done, we continue the dysfunction. The behavior is not authentic, makes relationships transactional and leaves us with a vague feeling of subordination, as if we've surrendered part of ourselves. I'm sure your article will be a wonderful mirror for others to reflect on this very common behavior.
Another insightful piece of writing, Alex! This could have been me forty years ago, but I had that wake-up call and decided that it was ok to set boundaries. Friends would understand--and if the person didn't understand? That told me a lot about the relationship.
Hi Alex,
Oh, man, did this resonate with me. I have a history of acting out of obligation and fear of how people would perceive me if I didn't accommodate them. I've been unfortunately perceived as the schlep, who would do anything I was asked. This whole thing started in childhood and worked its way into adulthood.
Setting boundaries in a kind but firm manner is so vital. I have been setting boundaries now, and it's always somewhat difficult, but I'm hoping that, in time, I become more comfortable with it. And the worry about how I'm perceived is always there, but I've been setting boundaries anyway.
Thank you for this thought-provoking post. I so appreciate your insights.
For years I was a doormat, allowing others' priorities to override mine. I'm a lot more aware, like you, that I don't have to say yes all the time. I face the same internal battles as you, but I'm growing more comfortable with every no I put out there.
Everything you wrote about here is so relatable, both the lessons and the real examples from your daily life. I used to say 'yes' to everything, too. As you say, it felt good to be needed, to be the hero, to be helpful. But it didn't come from a desire to be useful, but rather a fear of disappointing others. My fear imprisoned me. About twenty years ago, Stephen Covey shared an occasion when his wife said 'no' to a volunteer opportunity. Could it be that simple? Isn't that being selfish? Won't people despise me and never talk to me again? Yes, no, no. Thank you for another brilliant exploration of what it means to be human.
"As if our worth is measured by our willingness to dissolve into other people's convenience." Yep, that's me in a nutshell. Or at least, it has been. While I've improved, I still jump too fast, too often. But in reading this post, Alex, I've realized that it was never thrust upon me, I've jumped into the servitude role voluntarily to be a good person. The biggest problem with that is that I haven't been good to me. I'm getting better at that though! Great insights as always! 🧡
Absolutely sharing. I used to be a people pleaser. My friend Rick who is a life coach taught me if you don't have a good no your yes means nothing. It completely changed my life. And I have shared it with so many people. I will be sharing this with many people as well.
Every. Single. Line. This piece is rich with valuable takeaways. I will be referring back to it. Often. Thank you.
Hi Alex,
Wow, so much (again) to say. This part especially hit home: "I'm not just saying yes to the favor. I'm saying yes to the entire identity I've constructed around being endlessly accommodating."
When you mentioned that you didn't consciously say "of course" and that is just slipped out before you were aware of it, I thought about something my friend Joanne told me last night during our visit. She said, "Sometimes we need to break out of the defined paths other people have forged for us."
I think you are saying something similar, though you wrote that you created the identity, while Joanne was saying that sometimes our families of origin carve that path when we are quite young, and we sort of just fall into it.
Also yesterday: I came home from a long day taking Sarah to an out-of-town doctor's appointment (we were gone almost 8 hours total, including driving), and when I returned home, my husband was offended that I hadn't gotten around to reading an article he sent me. I proceeded to tell him that this type of expectation, given what I had been doing all day, was unreasonable and unfair.
And then it hit me that I have likely created my own monster. Because I have always been so accommodating (overly so) and genuinely WANT to help others out, no questions asked, now they EXPECT it of me. And that includes responding PRONTO to a text or email. Even my HUSBAND expects that of me!
So your post arrives at a timely point in my life, and I'm examining how I can nurture appropriate boundaries to protect my health and my time while also continuing to be generous to the people I love.