"The most shocking discovery of May wasn't that I could build foundations in chaos. It was that I'd been capable of building them all along, I'd just been waiting for permission I never needed."
Yes! This resonates and explains so much about my current journey through grief. It explains why my daughter's death a year and a half ago did not completely flatten me.
Hi Nancy - I love that you called this line out. It is one of the lines that, when I re-read it, instantly speaks to me. While I am going through a different journey, I resonate with what you wrote. It explains so much why I wasn't flattened completely. In some ways, I simply needed to rediscover the inner permission and strength I already had.
Love this , this just motivated me, Alex🤩!!!! —> stability throught reptition->> “Every morning when I make coffee, I'm choosing to create stability through repetition rather than waiting for stability to create itself. Every time I light a candle, I'm choosing to make this space sacred rather than waiting for it to feel sacred on its own.”
Yes, we are such creatures of habits. And gosh, when mine get interrupted, I get a little crazy once in a while. Haha.
Yes - as I've really thought through my journey over the past few months, the past year, and the past decade, I've realized that "stability through repetition," as you put it (so perfect), is essential.
Another fantastic reflection from you today. I never realized that "resilience" was such a sticky word for many people, not until I began seeking submissions to guest post on my Substack page. For me, resilience has never meant faking it till you make it, or trying to pretend everything is okay, or believing that strength means toughness and never asking for help. I have always seen resilience as a quiet practice, a muscle one builds over time that includes vulnerability. I think it's because vulnerable sharing has always been something highly risky for me. Whenever I have chosen to trust another person and share something difficult or painful with them, I knew I was taking a huge risk--of rejection or judgment or ostracism. Sometimes that happened, but other times it deepened the connection we shared and also strengthened me in a way that did not mean steeling or bracing myself. It did not mean guarding myself or armoring up. It meant the opposite, in fact: tearing down my emotional guardrails and allowing myself to be who I was, without pretense or facade.
Anyway, I appreciate that you have helped me understand that some people cringe at the word resilience, because it makes me more sensitive about using this language. It saddens me, though, that perhaps the self-help industry has overused this word or even misused it, so that many believe resilience means something more superficial than what I have always thought it meant.
Thank you for sharing, Jeannie. I think that all makes sense, though - I believe vulnerable sharing is also risky for others, too. Choosing to trust, especially with something difficult and painful, is hard.
I do agree, though, I think resilience is something that is very sticky for people, because we are told to have it, that strong people have it, and if we are missing it, we aren't strong. I think what I was trying to reframe is that we go through periods where we need to rediscover our inner strength, but that it never leaves us. We never lose those qualities; they just become hidden away because we need other aspects of ourselves.
I think the self-help industry has often preyed upon people in vulnerable spots. And instead of sharing empowerment, they sell them fool's gold. But, I have biases there. Haha. Thank you for sharing, my friend. I always SO appreciate your lovely detailed reflections.
Oooh, I really appreciate how you said the self-help industry sells fool’s gold. Well said. I am thinking more about this and wonder now if I should edit my Submissions page regarding the word resilience, so that it doesn’t turn people away.
Yes. We show up and try! That is all we can ask ourselves to do. Sometimes we can get a lot done. Sometimes we can't. The important thing is that we try.
"the daily choice to trust our own capacity to create meaning, stability, and belonging through our actions rather than our circumstances." Trusting myself daily is a big decision that I often flounder at. This is a needed revelation and reminder! Thank you, Alex!
Trusting ourselves is something that is hard. And to be clear - I'm so not perfect at it! It is a skill that I, too, have to continue to reinforce and sometimes relearn. But always worth it! We are the most important person to trust 🩵
Naturally, I always read your posts with an open mind and absolute trust and respect. However, on the rare occasion, when it becomes a personal reflection upon my condition, my instinct is to ask you: Do you believe there are some people who are truly incapable of overcoming the conditions of their physical impediments? I am one of them and I have seriously tried many simple things one at a time. My body fails me every time. I use positive acceptance, some humor and a bit of meditation to pull me out of that open hole that exists in my imagination, trying to pull me in… I am just rebellious and resist the imagined tug, however there are times I teeter on the edge. I enjoy your natural strength that keeps you going! I am glad you have it and it keeps you moving forward. I find myself wishing I too still possessed the strength I once had, but realize that part of me is gone and I need to “find my place in the sun, where there is hope for everyone, where my poor restless heart gotta run….and before my life is done, I have to find, my place in the sun”. Movin’ On as sung by Stevie Wonder. You always seem to let me see that sun ray finding its path through my shade, inside my dreary room because life for me is lived vicariously through each step of your journey of moving on and forward. ❤️🌼
I don't like "fake it til you make it" either! We can thrive in any circumstances. I think of that flower that grows in the crack in the sidewalk. If our struggles seem odd and foreign, it's because we're spirits having a human experience.
So timely again. I feel very clear at the moment that actions - small, intentional actions, and even larger ones - signal my self-trust to both myself and to the world. It's challenging, because it feels like these actions are taking place against a background of chaos, or potential chaos. But each is a reminder that 'I can'. A little flare, a signal. As you write so exactly: a builder doesn't wait for the materials to be perfectly assembled: a builder builds with what he or she has to hand. Thank you.
Thank you, Susie! Yes - I want to reflect back that small, intentional actions, and even larger ones - signal my self-trust to both myself and to the world. I truly feel that way too, and is something I wanted to communicate in my essay because it was something that came through to me in the past month as well. That is how we build, even when things feel uncertain. And we have to take small steps. Big steps are too hard to come by, especially when we can only use what we have on hand.
I am unsurprised! I truly believe we have the strength. Sometimes we need to rediscover it. Sometimes we need to trust it once again. Sometimes we just need a moment to remind ourselves we have it. Whatever the case, I'm glad you reconnected with it 🩵
I wonder why we so often doubt ourselves, our own capabilities. I love how you remind us that we don't have to wait to build, rebuild, and rebuild again. It's within all that building and rebuilding that we figure stuff out. Life was never meant to be neat and tidy. It's in the messy parts that we discover and rediscover what we truly are capable of. No need to wait for perfect moments. If we wait for those, we'll be waiting a long time.
"The most shocking discovery of May wasn't that I could build foundations in chaos. It was that I'd been capable of building them all along, I'd just been waiting for permission I never needed."
I know another Nancy already stated the above line resonated most with her. I ditto that. And your title, "You're already carrying the strength you need" - how perfect. So much validation and encouragment tucked into those words. The tricky part is believing them. I'll keep working on that.
I think what you share here is stated better than I could have: “No need to wait for perfect moments. If we wait for those, we'll be waiting a long time.”
This, exactly. And I think that is why so many of us just wait, and wait, and wait. We wait on creative endeavors, we wait on learning skills, we wait on changing jobs, we wait on so much. But those perfect conditions never really materialize. Even those that do, when people share them, they almost always say that it was still missing something… so it really wasn’t perfect, right? There was still a leap of faith. We are building on imperfect ground. We are trusting ourselves. That is the point! 🩵
I loved this essay! The entire essay spoke to me, but here's something that really resonated with me: "Here's what nobody says about strength: we spend so much time looking for it outside ourselves that we miss the fact that we're already carrying it." So very true, and I don't think I've ever reflected on this quite the same way before.
The self-help industry is alive and thriving. I'm not saying it's useless, as so many people find self-help books useful. But you are right: we need to trust our inner resilience.
In June, I will launch my website for my new art business. This has been difficult for me in terms of not feeling like I know what I'm doing, but I am going to try to trust in my own resilience and abilities.
When I went to China to adopt my daughter almost 16 years ago, I knew nothing about being a mom. In fact, the baby hated me and was screaming/crying constantly. I was given dry formula to mix with water and to feed her with, but in my stress, I spilled it all over the hotel bed. The clothes I brought over to China were too large for her. I was so scared.
But....
I learned how to take care of her through my inner resilience. I shopped for clothes that fit her and learned how she enjoyed being fed. She cried non-stop for four days, but I learned how to calm her sometimes. And on the fifth day, she was a happy baby who connected with me.
I had no idea what I was doing. None of the adoption classes could prepare me for parenthood.
First, thank you! I really appreciate your words about my essay, and I love the line you call out. I don’t believe the self-help industry is useless, but I don’t believe it is always selling something useful. Some of it is. :)
Second, congratulations! I’m so excited you are launching! I cannot wait to see and also support! YAY!!!! You are amazing. This is such a big step. And the important thing is that you are taking the step. You can also make changes as you learn new things about websites later. They are always changing anyways :)
Third, your story about adoption was simply stunning. What a beautiful story. “And on the fifth day, she was a happy baby.” Ah, I can feel the happiness, contentment, and relief. What beauty there is in trusting the self, digging in, and letting that inner strength come out. 🩵 Thank you for sharing such a tender story with me. It brought tears to my eyes and was such a beautiful illustration of what I was sharing.
Fake it til you make it has never felt like a negative to me. It means that once you're committed to something, keep at it, even if you don't feel like it some days. Every bit of progress is important, even if it's not exactly wholeheartedly made. It's the story of discipline and sticking to it.
Oh Boy! What am I afraid of? Loaded question. However, the concept of taking responsibility for what we know instead of using uncertainty as an excuse not to be bold and confident in life really speaks to me. Why wait until things get tough to show what we can do? Why wait until we're challenged to rise to the occasion? How would things be different if we did it simply because we could? This got me thinking. Thank you Dr. Alex! Love, Virg
You named something I think many of us sense but haven’t put into words. Strength often shows up unannounced, in the way we move through chaos with a grounded steadiness we didn’t realize we had.
This part especially hit home: “Building foundations isn’t a one-time project. It’s a daily decision to trust yourself enough to keep building.” I think you speak for all of us that this is the kind of strength from which we all want to live.
I love you Alex. You are offering personal examples of all the things we are teaching in the Creator REtreat.
"We've created an entire self-help industry around the myth that strength is something you develop rather than something you discover you've been carrying all along."
the strength is in us! and I'm not just talking about emotional or mental strength. I'm also talking about physical strength!
For years in yoga, I had clients tell me "I can't do that, I don't have the upper body strength" especially about planks and push-ups. But then, I'd walk them through a process of shifting their alignment, using their deep internal core muscles (not their abs, but the muscles closer to their spine) to align their spine, and voila...they could hold a plank for well over a minute.
it's not about building strength from the outside in. It's about remembering the strength we have from the inside out.
last year, I bought 80 garden pavers from an elderly couple off FB marketplace. These pavers were 80lbs each. The couple was over 90 years old. It took us three trips to fit the pavers into our car safely, over the course of five days. Between trips, the husband of the couple had quietly moved the rest of the pavers from under their deck to the side of their garage for easier access for us. He was 94 years old! He did it by himself. This guy was not a body-builder. He just knew how to use his body the way it was meant to be designed.
here's the thing, Hobbit and I did that too. We moved 80 pavers of 80lbs each one by one over the course of five days. this was heavy lifting that our bodies were not used to doing. and we did it, and we didn't feel sore. not at all. not the next day, not the day after. this is because we know how to use the proper muscles to do the proper work.
"The most shocking discovery of May wasn't that I could build foundations in chaos. It was that I'd been capable of building them all along, I'd just been waiting for permission I never needed."
Yes! This resonates and explains so much about my current journey through grief. It explains why my daughter's death a year and a half ago did not completely flatten me.
Hi Nancy - I love that you called this line out. It is one of the lines that, when I re-read it, instantly speaks to me. While I am going through a different journey, I resonate with what you wrote. It explains so much why I wasn't flattened completely. In some ways, I simply needed to rediscover the inner permission and strength I already had.
Love this , this just motivated me, Alex🤩!!!! —> stability throught reptition->> “Every morning when I make coffee, I'm choosing to create stability through repetition rather than waiting for stability to create itself. Every time I light a candle, I'm choosing to make this space sacred rather than waiting for it to feel sacred on its own.”
We are creatures of habits…
Hi Mila! So good to see you 🩵
Yes, we are such creatures of habits. And gosh, when mine get interrupted, I get a little crazy once in a while. Haha.
Yes - as I've really thought through my journey over the past few months, the past year, and the past decade, I've realized that "stability through repetition," as you put it (so perfect), is essential.
Hi Alex!
Another fantastic reflection from you today. I never realized that "resilience" was such a sticky word for many people, not until I began seeking submissions to guest post on my Substack page. For me, resilience has never meant faking it till you make it, or trying to pretend everything is okay, or believing that strength means toughness and never asking for help. I have always seen resilience as a quiet practice, a muscle one builds over time that includes vulnerability. I think it's because vulnerable sharing has always been something highly risky for me. Whenever I have chosen to trust another person and share something difficult or painful with them, I knew I was taking a huge risk--of rejection or judgment or ostracism. Sometimes that happened, but other times it deepened the connection we shared and also strengthened me in a way that did not mean steeling or bracing myself. It did not mean guarding myself or armoring up. It meant the opposite, in fact: tearing down my emotional guardrails and allowing myself to be who I was, without pretense or facade.
Anyway, I appreciate that you have helped me understand that some people cringe at the word resilience, because it makes me more sensitive about using this language. It saddens me, though, that perhaps the self-help industry has overused this word or even misused it, so that many believe resilience means something more superficial than what I have always thought it meant.
Thank you for sharing, Jeannie. I think that all makes sense, though - I believe vulnerable sharing is also risky for others, too. Choosing to trust, especially with something difficult and painful, is hard.
I do agree, though, I think resilience is something that is very sticky for people, because we are told to have it, that strong people have it, and if we are missing it, we aren't strong. I think what I was trying to reframe is that we go through periods where we need to rediscover our inner strength, but that it never leaves us. We never lose those qualities; they just become hidden away because we need other aspects of ourselves.
I think the self-help industry has often preyed upon people in vulnerable spots. And instead of sharing empowerment, they sell them fool's gold. But, I have biases there. Haha. Thank you for sharing, my friend. I always SO appreciate your lovely detailed reflections.
Oooh, I really appreciate how you said the self-help industry sells fool’s gold. Well said. I am thinking more about this and wonder now if I should edit my Submissions page regarding the word resilience, so that it doesn’t turn people away.
I am not sure. I personally didn’t feel like it was off-putting. You are always so sensitive and heartfelt with your words.
Well, I appreciate that, Alex. Thank you ☺️
Bob the Builder says:
Can we build it? Yes, we can!
We show up and try.
Yes. We show up and try! That is all we can ask ourselves to do. Sometimes we can get a lot done. Sometimes we can't. The important thing is that we try.
"the daily choice to trust our own capacity to create meaning, stability, and belonging through our actions rather than our circumstances." Trusting myself daily is a big decision that I often flounder at. This is a needed revelation and reminder! Thank you, Alex!
Trusting ourselves is something that is hard. And to be clear - I'm so not perfect at it! It is a skill that I, too, have to continue to reinforce and sometimes relearn. But always worth it! We are the most important person to trust 🩵
Naturally, I always read your posts with an open mind and absolute trust and respect. However, on the rare occasion, when it becomes a personal reflection upon my condition, my instinct is to ask you: Do you believe there are some people who are truly incapable of overcoming the conditions of their physical impediments? I am one of them and I have seriously tried many simple things one at a time. My body fails me every time. I use positive acceptance, some humor and a bit of meditation to pull me out of that open hole that exists in my imagination, trying to pull me in… I am just rebellious and resist the imagined tug, however there are times I teeter on the edge. I enjoy your natural strength that keeps you going! I am glad you have it and it keeps you moving forward. I find myself wishing I too still possessed the strength I once had, but realize that part of me is gone and I need to “find my place in the sun, where there is hope for everyone, where my poor restless heart gotta run….and before my life is done, I have to find, my place in the sun”. Movin’ On as sung by Stevie Wonder. You always seem to let me see that sun ray finding its path through my shade, inside my dreary room because life for me is lived vicariously through each step of your journey of moving on and forward. ❤️🌼
I don't like "fake it til you make it" either! We can thrive in any circumstances. I think of that flower that grows in the crack in the sidewalk. If our struggles seem odd and foreign, it's because we're spirits having a human experience.
Yes. We are having a human experience. Our struggles are our own. And sometimes they are odd. But still relatable because are all human. 🩵
So timely again. I feel very clear at the moment that actions - small, intentional actions, and even larger ones - signal my self-trust to both myself and to the world. It's challenging, because it feels like these actions are taking place against a background of chaos, or potential chaos. But each is a reminder that 'I can'. A little flare, a signal. As you write so exactly: a builder doesn't wait for the materials to be perfectly assembled: a builder builds with what he or she has to hand. Thank you.
Thank you, Susie! Yes - I want to reflect back that small, intentional actions, and even larger ones - signal my self-trust to both myself and to the world. I truly feel that way too, and is something I wanted to communicate in my essay because it was something that came through to me in the past month as well. That is how we build, even when things feel uncertain. And we have to take small steps. Big steps are too hard to come by, especially when we can only use what we have on hand.
Alex, A brilliant lesson! May was intense. It took tremendous strenght. But you're right, I had the strength right there inside of me.
I am unsurprised! I truly believe we have the strength. Sometimes we need to rediscover it. Sometimes we need to trust it once again. Sometimes we just need a moment to remind ourselves we have it. Whatever the case, I'm glad you reconnected with it 🩵
I like what you write and I hope you'll take a look at what I write at dispatch from bewilderness.
Thank you, Judith. I certainly will!
Thank you, Dr. Lovell. Deep bow.
Hi Alex,
I wonder why we so often doubt ourselves, our own capabilities. I love how you remind us that we don't have to wait to build, rebuild, and rebuild again. It's within all that building and rebuilding that we figure stuff out. Life was never meant to be neat and tidy. It's in the messy parts that we discover and rediscover what we truly are capable of. No need to wait for perfect moments. If we wait for those, we'll be waiting a long time.
"The most shocking discovery of May wasn't that I could build foundations in chaos. It was that I'd been capable of building them all along, I'd just been waiting for permission I never needed."
I know another Nancy already stated the above line resonated most with her. I ditto that. And your title, "You're already carrying the strength you need" - how perfect. So much validation and encouragment tucked into those words. The tricky part is believing them. I'll keep working on that.
Thank you for the excellent read.
Thank you for reading, I so appreciate you!
I think what you share here is stated better than I could have: “No need to wait for perfect moments. If we wait for those, we'll be waiting a long time.”
This, exactly. And I think that is why so many of us just wait, and wait, and wait. We wait on creative endeavors, we wait on learning skills, we wait on changing jobs, we wait on so much. But those perfect conditions never really materialize. Even those that do, when people share them, they almost always say that it was still missing something… so it really wasn’t perfect, right? There was still a leap of faith. We are building on imperfect ground. We are trusting ourselves. That is the point! 🩵
Hi Alex,
I loved this essay! The entire essay spoke to me, but here's something that really resonated with me: "Here's what nobody says about strength: we spend so much time looking for it outside ourselves that we miss the fact that we're already carrying it." So very true, and I don't think I've ever reflected on this quite the same way before.
The self-help industry is alive and thriving. I'm not saying it's useless, as so many people find self-help books useful. But you are right: we need to trust our inner resilience.
In June, I will launch my website for my new art business. This has been difficult for me in terms of not feeling like I know what I'm doing, but I am going to try to trust in my own resilience and abilities.
When I went to China to adopt my daughter almost 16 years ago, I knew nothing about being a mom. In fact, the baby hated me and was screaming/crying constantly. I was given dry formula to mix with water and to feed her with, but in my stress, I spilled it all over the hotel bed. The clothes I brought over to China were too large for her. I was so scared.
But....
I learned how to take care of her through my inner resilience. I shopped for clothes that fit her and learned how she enjoyed being fed. She cried non-stop for four days, but I learned how to calm her sometimes. And on the fifth day, she was a happy baby who connected with me.
I had no idea what I was doing. None of the adoption classes could prepare me for parenthood.
Thank you for this essay, Alex.
First, thank you! I really appreciate your words about my essay, and I love the line you call out. I don’t believe the self-help industry is useless, but I don’t believe it is always selling something useful. Some of it is. :)
Second, congratulations! I’m so excited you are launching! I cannot wait to see and also support! YAY!!!! You are amazing. This is such a big step. And the important thing is that you are taking the step. You can also make changes as you learn new things about websites later. They are always changing anyways :)
Third, your story about adoption was simply stunning. What a beautiful story. “And on the fifth day, she was a happy baby.” Ah, I can feel the happiness, contentment, and relief. What beauty there is in trusting the self, digging in, and letting that inner strength come out. 🩵 Thank you for sharing such a tender story with me. It brought tears to my eyes and was such a beautiful illustration of what I was sharing.
Thank you so much, Alex.
Fake it til you make it has never felt like a negative to me. It means that once you're committed to something, keep at it, even if you don't feel like it some days. Every bit of progress is important, even if it's not exactly wholeheartedly made. It's the story of discipline and sticking to it.
Oh Boy! What am I afraid of? Loaded question. However, the concept of taking responsibility for what we know instead of using uncertainty as an excuse not to be bold and confident in life really speaks to me. Why wait until things get tough to show what we can do? Why wait until we're challenged to rise to the occasion? How would things be different if we did it simply because we could? This got me thinking. Thank you Dr. Alex! Love, Virg
You named something I think many of us sense but haven’t put into words. Strength often shows up unannounced, in the way we move through chaos with a grounded steadiness we didn’t realize we had.
This part especially hit home: “Building foundations isn’t a one-time project. It’s a daily decision to trust yourself enough to keep building.” I think you speak for all of us that this is the kind of strength from which we all want to live.
It was motivating and emotional, it really felt deep . It felt so relatable ,I felt my thoughts were laid down by you . Keep up the good writing !
I love you Alex. You are offering personal examples of all the things we are teaching in the Creator REtreat.
"We've created an entire self-help industry around the myth that strength is something you develop rather than something you discover you've been carrying all along."
the strength is in us! and I'm not just talking about emotional or mental strength. I'm also talking about physical strength!
For years in yoga, I had clients tell me "I can't do that, I don't have the upper body strength" especially about planks and push-ups. But then, I'd walk them through a process of shifting their alignment, using their deep internal core muscles (not their abs, but the muscles closer to their spine) to align their spine, and voila...they could hold a plank for well over a minute.
it's not about building strength from the outside in. It's about remembering the strength we have from the inside out.
last year, I bought 80 garden pavers from an elderly couple off FB marketplace. These pavers were 80lbs each. The couple was over 90 years old. It took us three trips to fit the pavers into our car safely, over the course of five days. Between trips, the husband of the couple had quietly moved the rest of the pavers from under their deck to the side of their garage for easier access for us. He was 94 years old! He did it by himself. This guy was not a body-builder. He just knew how to use his body the way it was meant to be designed.
here's the thing, Hobbit and I did that too. We moved 80 pavers of 80lbs each one by one over the course of five days. this was heavy lifting that our bodies were not used to doing. and we did it, and we didn't feel sore. not at all. not the next day, not the day after. this is because we know how to use the proper muscles to do the proper work.
it's in us! we just have to access it!